Job Description:
Here at Fraudman, Swindle, & Thirdname we’re committed to taking extraordinary measures to guarantee the success of our business and its employees, which is why we’ve recently decided to make some fundamental changes to our hiring process in order to ensure a more prosperous direction for our property management corporation. If you’re looking to make big money for a growing company that’s absolutely flush as a result of a superficially-inflated national housing market, we’d love to hear from you. Please take a moment to review the details below.
Professional Qualifications:
N/A
Requirements:
-Must be willing and able to put profits before clients
-Must have proven record of issuing at least two unreasonable rent increases over last 3 years, the closer to the maximum allowed, the better
-Must own at least one L.L.C. and have 24-hour access to personal legal representation (we litigate frequently)
-Must have broad enough understanding of state and local LANDLORD-TENANT laws in order to identify exploitable loopholes for our board of directors to leverage against fair housing competitors and problematic renters
-Demonstrated ability to McGiver a broad range of moderate-to-severe maintenance issues in order to avoid contracting pricy, licensed, third-party agencies
-Adept at circumventing legal parameters that might be unfavorable to management team or shareholders
-Experience delivering official notices through last-minute 3am text messages
-Experience handling simultaneous lawsuits preferred
-Individuals who can prove highly litigious history are especially welcome and may even be eligible for a hiring bonus
-Individuals with slippery ethics and questionable business practices will be given priority for interviews with top executives
-Applicants who enjoy beer, banter, and boating on the weekends will be looked upon most favorably
Key Job Responsibilities:
-Sign our standard onboarding 87-page NDA
-Complete our week-long out-of-state orientation, then immediately begin managing properties that are coming onto the market near you
-Ensure company profitability at all other costs
-Avoid any financial setbacks that might jeopardize company profitability, including but not limited to; issuing timely deposit returns or payouts for emotional damages claimed by TENANT, failing to collect any and all supplemental fees at LANDLORD’s discretion, initiating significant structural repairs that require temporary paid TENANT relocation
-Mitigate any and all landlord liability for properties under our management contracts
-Be available to attend 90% of our Landlord Strategy Conventions (LSCs) -there are roughly 12 per year
-Do not allow emotions such as compassion, integrity, or other inappropriate personal matters to interfere with the above responsibilities
Automatic Disqualification Factors:
-You currently hold a Better Business Bureau rating of B- or higher
-You’ve worked for a tenant advocacy group or other community-oriented non-profit within the last 5 years
-You believe in equal access to safe and secure housing
-You are or might become pregnant while working for us
*Due to the overwhelming volume of applications we receive, we may or may not be able to respond. Please do not call about the status of your application, as doing so will also result in immediate disqualification from employment with our firm. Please do not contact us for any advice, assistance, or property emergency you might currently be experiencing, as we will not be able to assist you. Please do not reach out for requests for comment or to speak with any of our managers, they are all incredibly busy as it is and will likely report you for harassment.
If you believe you meet most of the criteria above, shoot us your résumé: fraudmen@manyfirms.net, along with any documentation to substantiate your application.
We (probably) look forward to hearing from you!
