My wife and I have no children. It’s for the best. We’re better off and so is the world. That’s because any offspring we might have brought into the world would never have been given a proper chance at life. My wife would make a wonderful parent. She’s nurturing, patient, and intelligent. I, on the other hand, am a careless, short-tempered, C+ student. I have absolutely no business delving into child development. No kids for us. You’re welcome.
Parenting is not something that everyone is suited for. It’s not a task that you can half-ass, and that’s where I shine. The important thing is that we recognized my deficiencies before it was too late. Not all couples are that fortunate. Some don’t realize it until their little bundle of joy grows into a demon toddler from Hell. By then it’s too late. But thanks to the good people of Cornwallis College in British Columbia the guesswork is eliminated by the ????????? ?????? ???????????? ????, also known as the 3PX test. The 3PX questionnaire is designed to identify weak parental candidates before it becomes a societal burden.
The examples below are taken directly from the exam which consists of seventy-two questions.
If your child has a fever, you call:
A. a pediatrician
B. a patrician.
C. a policeman
D. Pete and Trisha
The correct answer is A. Find a pediatrician you’re comfortable with. Do NOT call Pete and Trisha. They failed this test miserably.
An infant’s diaper should be changed:
A. as needed.
B. daily
C. occasionally
D. by anyone but you
Both A and D are acceptable. Babies are defecation machines that need constant care. The amount and strength of the product are more than you can or should have to tolerate. Besides, you’re right in the middle of that important thing that needs doing. Can somebody else grab this one?
True or False: It’s perfectly acceptable to serve peanut butter cookies at your son’s sixth birthday party.
False. This is the Twenty-first Century, and peanuts are now poisonous. Serving a crowd of children peanut butter will end up looking like a junior Jonestown.
Your child is struggling in school. As a parent you should:
A. Confer with the faculty to develop a goal-oriented program to assist the student.
B. Hire a professional tutor.
C. Limit television and computer access until grades improve.
D. Go to a school board meeting in your faded “These colors don’t run” T-shirt and scream nonsense about CRT, the “woke curriculum” and your child’s rights, then reassure the board members that you know where they live.
There is no wrong answer, but only one will get thousands of views on YouTube.
Prioritize which of these two needs:
A. Textbooks for your daughter’s first semester at Yale.
B. New rims for your vintage Corvette.
This is a trick question since no parent can afford a vintage Corvette with a daughter in Yale. What you can count on is a used family van that is great for grocery shopping and bad for keeping your street credibility high enough that everyone knows you run this town.
True or False: “I had a gerbil that lived for three years before it escaped and died behind the stove. That means I’d be a good parent.”
This one is False. While three years is a good run for a gerbil, kids can’t be kept in a cage lined with wood shavings, even if the alternative is them surely dying behind the stove. One could debate the morality of caged children all day I suppose, but in the end, it’s illegal.
True or False: The vast majority of children develop into well-adjusted adults with little or no guidance from their parents.
False. Not properly guiding your children is tantamount to entering them into a “???? ?????” program for criminals. Just ask Pete and Trisha and their foul-mouthed, chain-smoking ten-year-old.
