So, you want to start a war. Congratulations on your big decision! Unfortunately, war takes manpower and the overwhelming majority of humanity wants to live in peace. But every once in a while a special someone comes along who can convince ordinary people to become violent murderers. How do they do it?! Now, if you find yourself thinking, “Violence? What is this, the 20th century?” go take a scroll on the ‘gram, we’ll have use for you later.
But, if you find the idea of people killing and/or dying for you titillating, then keep reading… you could be that special someone! Ideally, you are already a clinically diagnosed megalomaniac, a bored billionaire, or a head of state that desperately wants to remain in power. But don’t fret if none of these apply. As long as you implement these easy-to-follow steps, you too can groom that peace-inclined, insta-scrolling citizen into a tool of your sexy, new war.
Step One: Selecting a bad guy.
It’s best to focus the ire on something concrete and singular, like a bag guy in a two-dimensional story. Ask yourself: Who do I have a historical grudge with? Are they a raging narcissist… a bad, bad boy deserving of a spanking? If you find them spankable, so will your future soldiers.
Note: Since your villain is also reading this rubric and looking to exploit your character flaws, try your darndest to make sure their flaws outnumber yours, at least in the eyes of your citizens.
Step Two: Strike while the iron is desperately hot.
Humans are most moldable when they are desperate. If the iron you are trying to bend to your will -your people- are going through a rough time, you will have a distinct advantage.
Maybe they are in the midst of a recession, say, or a pandemic. Both are great times to start a war. However, things needn’t be in acute crisis to heat your people into moldability. You just need to identify their vulnerabilities: have they been ground down by chronic economic insecurity? Are they experiencing a breakdown in local communities due to underfunding, over-policing, or the alienating effects of technology? Has arguing over outward signifiers of identity become more important than interpersonal communication? If so, you’ve been playing the long game, and I. Am. Wet.
Step Three: Validate their despondency.
When people are feeling despondent or are searching for purpose, they’ll be open to fighting for something greater than themselves… like your war! Name their pain. Let them know that they are truly struggling: you hear them, you see them. Make them feel understood and loved, but like they are in dire straits. And while it’s not your fault, of course, it also might not be theirs.
Look, everybody has daddy issues… so be their daddy. Their strong, protective, violent daddy.
Yeah daddy, you’re doing great.
Step Four: Steer the narrative.
Nothing brings people together like a common enemy. The reason for all this pain your supple populace has been feeling can now be directed at your carefully selected villain. But here is where things get a little complicated. You see, your villain may be on to you by now and will be working hard to destabilize your already despondent people. He might even be using social media to radicalize your own people against you (warning: your people will fall for it, social media is a powerful tool.) You must be ahead of your villain in the race for your people’s hearts. Get smart and grab the steering wheel when the time is right. Intervene on the hostility directed towards you and divert the attention back to the real bad guy. Position yourself as the strong one and soon enough they’ll allow you…yes you– you audacious Godlike hero– to step up and save the day!
While you’re steering the ship, feel free to come up with a catchy phrase that folks can type on their keyboards, repeat when trying to sound informed, and marker on their cardboard signs. You can declare things like, “those people hate our way of life” or “ He’s like, literally a Nazi”, etc. A variety of scapegoating tactics will work, try one! If it doesn’t stick, try another. Have fun with it. “Those bad people over there hate those good people over there, and if we don’t intervene then the bad people over there could be coming over here.” Try role-playing your ideas with a partner. I volunteer.
Step Five: Convince the masses.
At this point in your efforts, you will have successfully enrolled your most desperate and vulnerable, as well as your most internet-addicted extremists. But that’s not nearly enough. No, you have a lot more mobilizing and persuading to do. Now would be a good time to promise to alleviate some of your peoples’ struggles. If you’re in a recession, promise jobs and bailouts. If you’re in a pandemic, end it and say “the science changed”. Don’t worry about inconsistencies, that’s what propaganda is for.
Propaganda? I’m so glad you asked. Put simply, propaganda is the news. But not just any news, your news. You see, the 21st century is all about telling your story, making your voice heard, and owning your narrative. I promise, people eat this shit up. Just try it and see how much fervor you’ll drum up with one little Daily Beast story. Or better yet, recruit an unpaid, in debt, university-educated Gen Zer to teach you how to make a hashtag or start a social media campaign. Trust me, it won’t be long before a barrage of those well-meaning suburban moms begin posting to their Insta in support of your noble efforts. It is critical that you make the underlying tone of your strategy here have clearly defined categories for what “good” people do and what “bad” people do, as defined by you of course. Social Media users are obsessed with saying “Standing in solidarity with…” Remember, most people are desperate to appear righteous and good. Show us how to be good citizens, officer.
If you are successful with your propaganda, the internet algorithms will be doing a lot of the work for you. And eventually, like magic, people will simply police each other. You can probably lay off the unpaid GenZer at this stage if she hasn’t already quit due to a toxic work environment (and if she did, you had nothing to do with it.)
Step Six: How to deal with pacifists and contrarians who refuse to participate in your violent-yet-very-very-noble efforts.
Ahh, those straggling crazies who still refuse to rationalize your need for violence (pesky little buggers). There are three simple steps you should take which are industry standards. Implement these in the following order:
Emotional blackmail. Pacifists are typically goodhearted people. Exploit this aspect of them by parroting adages like, “if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem”. Feel free to bring up examples in the past where violence seemed justifiable, like The Stonewall Inn riots or the US involvement in WWII. Unfortunately, they have probably heard these clichés before and have already made up their non-violent minds by now. So if that’s the case…
Create a Shame Pressure Cooker. Unlike emotional blackmail, the Shame Pressure Cooker uses the power and influence of large groups to pressure those pesky pacifists closer into submission. Tell the war-supporting people that the peace-makers, by simply refusing to pick a side, are automatically on Team Bad. Encourage large industries and organizations to display their loyalty with a simple visual indicator, including but not limited to: ribbons, signs, pins, flags, or even documentation that can be presented upon entering public spaces. (This technique can be used in the reverse, too, where the pacifist is required to display the symbol). Either way, a successful Shame Pressure Cooker taps into one of people’s biggest fears, social ostracism. If they still refuse to join Team Good and are deranged enough to not be ashamed of being labeled Team Bad…
Murder them. If you want a war, pacifists are an inconvenience to everyone. Their commitment to peace can arouse more hostility than the enemy. That’s not good. They break the illusion, poking holes in the entire ruse. And if that happens, well, then you can’t have your war, my friend. So, since pacifists are OK with dying in the name of peace (what weirdos) then simply whack ‘em cold. It will create the perfect amount of fear in others and it sends the right message that you mean business! You can also imprison them, but it’s not as fun and far too much money. And you have more important things to buy, like weapons.
You’re doing great so far, you handsome devil.
Step Seven: Declare War!
Ahh, the fun part. This is where you can lounge in your bunker and watch the otherwise decent people that you have successfully brainwashed kill, torture, and bomb others. Bonus: weapons manufacturers and military contractors will see a massive boost in sales. (Just think of your shares in the stock market!) Anyway, try not to relish too much in this good news; although you’ve worked hard to get here, temper your enthusiasm. It isn’t a good look, especially since people are dying and you’re, well, chillin’. But seriously, be proud of yourself. You did it!
Step Eight: Ending the War
While your efforts have been noble and your commitment to a better world is obvious, I mean, just look at the economy, it’s BOOMING. All good things must come to an end. You don’t want your people to begin to realize how ridiculous and egoic this entire thing has been and, well, it’s best to leave them wanting more. So, it’s time to withdraw. There are a few roadblocks, however, that you need to navigate gracefully and carefully.
No matter how much bloodshed, each side will continue believing that the other side is the wrong, bad, or evil one. Yeesh, what a conundrum. Which brings us to a POP QUIZ: If both parties believed that the other party was the villain in this whole melodrama, who was the actual bad guy? ANSWER: Them! Always them! Never self-reflect. Never atone. Apologize for nothing. Always commit to the narrative of having won the war. Seriously! And…
If years later you find yourself in a church pew (perhaps the baptism of a nephew or the annual Christmas pageant) and the pastor quotes Jesus saying something like, “those who live by the sword, die by the sword”, please exit the church. Listening to that sermon will only make you feel awkward AF. Or, if it’s MLK Jr. day and you read the following quote on insta that your former Gen Z staffer posted: “violence only begets violence”, block her. That’s hate speech. I might also warn you that one of your citizens while lying in bed one night, may conclude that geo-political war is like a game of whack-a-mole or a decapitated hydra, once you’ve defeated an enemy somewhere, it will always just re-emerge somewhere else. This thought may arise and that’s OK. When it does, just tell them the following: … “and that is why we should always be prepared for war.”
I hope this guide was a comprehensive one and that it inspires you to share your ambitions with the world, you well-formed, powerful, beloved deity, you.
