As a rich and famous professional golfer, I don’t have it easy like other professional athletes. I actually have to work hard at my sport. I wake up early every day, at the crack of noon, drive to an exclusive private country club, lazily practice at a hobby for a few hours, have a vodka soda or two, and then go home to a meager wagyu steak dinner prepared by my personal chef.
Sure, it’s a living, but it’s not glamorous.
Don’t get me wrong, I realize that joining this new LIV Golf tour started by Mohammed Bin Salman, the violent dictator of Saudi Arabia, might seem like a tacit approval of egregious human rights violations, but you also need to realize this: I still need to provide for my family and put food on the table. And by “put food on the table,” I mean purchase my second Gulf Stream G700, because sometimes my other one is in Bali with my wife and kids.
In no way do I agree with the state-sponsored murder of journalists or depriving women of basic civil rights. But let’s be honest, sending your kids to the same exclusive Montessori school as Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t come cheap. And don’t even get me started on the price of the equine masseuse, because my three Friesian thoroughbreds aren’t going to massage themselves.
Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – thinks that it’s okay for gay people to be tortured to death. But if you saw the water bill for my infinity pool, in-home spa, and marble driveway fountain, you might be a little more sympathetic.
Do I want to accept OPEC price-gouging blood money just to afford to keep playing the game I sort of like as a career? No. Do I want to use my international celebrity status to give a metaphorical thumbs-up to a violent regime that silences dissidents with bone saws? Also no. But here I am, barely scraping by on the meager scraps the PGA Tour and my litany of corporate sponsors has afforded.
I’m sorry to be so callous and turn a blind eye to such myriad atrocities. But let me ask you this: Have you ever had a ’57 Chateaux Margaux in an ostrich-leather layback seat while 30,000 feet over the Gulf of Oman? I think I’ve made my point.
