Cosmopolitan: You’re one of four people on Earth who a) actually enjoyed the Sex and the City reboot and b) calls it And Just Like That…
Jagerbomb: You still wear Abercrombie & Fitch shirts and attend your fraternity reunions.
Martini: You’re at your high school reunion and want your former classmates to think you use glasses at home, when really you don’t even have the time or patience for mixers like vermouth.
Cranberry vodka: Happy 21st birthday!
Chardonnay: Happy 50th birthday!
Mimosa: You’re about to Instagram your very generic brunch selfie with five other blondes in sunglasses and crop tops.
Mojito: You have never made a cocktail yourself and want the bartender to hate you.
Sazerac: You’re cuh-razy! Also, you don’t know that the absinthe you get here is not shrooms, sorry. But enjoy your liquid licorice.
Long Island Ice Tea: Your self-loathing is palpable.
Bordeaux: Bienvenue back from your study-abroad adventure in France! You’ve been sprinkling random French phrases on your Facebook profile for months, and that’s not letting up anytime soon. All your friends talk shit about you behind your back. Mon dieu!
Tequila shot: Spring break, bitches! Those words have come out of your mouth approximately four times an hour since your plane landed in Miami Beach.
Bourbon shot: You’re a classy drunk who brings up things like corn mash percentages in everyday conversation, thanks to the approximately eight whiskey tours you’ve gone on solely for the samples at the end.
Dealer’s choice: You’re sleeping with the bartender.
