Remember your lack of exposure to sports as a child.
Were you aware of any sporting events besides football playing on TV in the background on Sunday afternoons? Did any of your family members engage in recreational sports other than the weekly scavenger hunt for Dad’s keys? Truly nothing you could have done here.
Remember your lack of exposure to winter sports as a child.
Was the closest ice skating rink 41 miles away inside a mall? Did anyone you know own a pair of skates? Were you even aware that ice skating was an Olympic event, and not just something you did for your best friend Jessica White’s tenth birthday? Well, that explains that.
Remember your lack of exposure to winter in general.
You didn’t even see snow for the first time until you were in your 20s, but it didn’t take you long to figure out that snow is cold, wet, very cold and also very wet. You were too busy figuring out how to stay warm and dry to have time to learn cross-country skiing, and who wants to lay in slush to practice prone shooting for the biathlon? Not your fault.
Consider who your parents are.
If you could go back in time right now, you’d sign yourself up for speed skating at age four. But for some reason, your parents didn’t think it’d be cute to see little tiny you sliding around on deadly blades before you could even read. They also aren’t really morning people, and probably didn’t want to take you to 5 a.m. training. This was completely out of your control.
Evaluate your competitiveness.
Are you truly driven to do what it takes to be the best at something? Sure, if winning means no one who loses gets upset. Except that if you don’t win, you’ll probably be upset. They really should break the gold medal into pieces so everyone who competes gets a prize.
Blame astrology.
Aquarius Sun, Pisces Moon? There’s no way you were meant to be spending every day training for ski jumping. And I’m pretty sure Mercury is in retrograde right now, which is why your treadmill is currently covered in dirty sweatpants, a “Team USA” hoodie, and Taco Bell. Chalk it up to the stars.
Your body wasn’t built for all that.
Some people are born to be athletes. You still haven’t grown out of your childhood exercise-induced asthma. You also tore your ACL while line dancing in flip-flops at your improv class’s New Year’s Eve house party. Now that you’re in your late 30s, that knee really hurts whenever the temperature drops below 45 degrees. Your doctor wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself.
You’re really busy, dude.
A demanding job. Keeping up relationships with family, friends, and your partner. You’re incredibly busy. So busy, in fact, that you’ve been on Zoom calls with the games muted in the background so you can keep up. And as soon as the Winter Olympics concludes, you’re going to forget it even exists for the next four years.
Wait. You could sign up for your local curling league!
You know what? There might still be a chance. Sure, you’re a little older than the average Olympian, but sliding around like Tom Cruise in Risky Business while you mop looks easy enough. You can probably even drink a beer while becoming an elite athlete. All you need is a little time to get around to looking into whether or not there might be something available for you to check out sometime soon. There’s still hope!
