A pleasure to see you all. Did you find my office all right? I know, I know, it’s in the podiatry department even though I’m a cardiologist. It’s just that here, I get that afternoon sun, which helps with my tan. My days of wearing makeup at work are over, and I could run into the press at any time, you know?
Now Tin Man, I hear you need something for your heart? Well, there’s this great – no – outstanding medication that hit the market just this morning. It comes in the form of these turquoise, semi-translucent gel pills – aesthetically quite pleasing, I have to say. Anyway, it’s called Affection, and it has a truly sublime balance of orizomethoprone and tribriga, and enough quipotadril to keep your illipides from adversely affecting your blood pressure.
I couldn’t believe it myself when I first came across it. I wrote down the website here somewhere. Ah, yes: www.healthauraweb.biz. Plus, you’ll be happy to know I haven’t had a single patient complain about it. It’s a certified winner.
On an unrelated note: Have you considered doing a rust? It would be like a fast, but you’d lay off the oil can instead. What would happen, probably, is your body would learn to reroute to your joints all the vegetable oil you consume. That stuff is no good for you anyways. Think it over.
Speaking of which, Scarecrow, you’ve been feeling foggy in the head, is that right? Well, you’re in luck. We already know that lavender soap can help cure leg cramps. That might interest you, actually, since you stand in one spot the whole day. But few people are aware that Mango Kiwi Blast shampoo can boost cognitive abilities, too.
Believe me, after about twenty uses you’ll be fully aware of your environment, which I’m sure is an absolute must when it’s nothing but you and grain in all directions.
If that’s all I can help you with, I hope you don’t mind me saying that you don’t have a lot of meat on your bones. Take this home with you. Don’t worry, I have plenty more of Oprah’s magazines in my car. There are some delectable – no – divine recipes in here, so don’t be afraid to indulge. I’m sure you could take after your furry friend here when it comes to that.
As for you, Lion, you’ve been pretty unsure of yourself lately? Like there are all these things you want to do, but doubts keep weighing you down? Well, to that I say: Make that big leap. Sometimes you just have to do what feels right. Like with me, it’s a bit of a slog promoting the same types of studies all the time. Peer review this, peer review that – some just lack that “wow” factor. So here’s the deal: I don’t have any particular product for your condition. But what I’ve got here in my hand is just as good – it’s today’s horoscope for Leo. That should get you back on the right track.
Oh, I almost forgot: Do you chase your tail often? If so, here’s what nobody seems to get about being dizzy: Spinning an equal amount of times in each direction can help improve your hearing. I saw you look at my swivel chair just now, and I know what you’re wondering. Yes, the lumbar support is preeminent.
Now Dorothy, you seem to be in good health. Are those shoes of yours giving you any trouble, though? If your feet ever get sore, try stomping grapes. The anti-inflammatory properties are unrivaled, of course, but another benefit is that looking at the color purple can prevent bloodshot eyes. That’s why I begin and end each day in pediatrics staring at their poster of Barney.
For those ninety minutes, my eyes, my soul, are replenished.
Alright, then. Since this is our first visit, I gather that all you really need from me, Dorothy, are directions back home. Ah, home. There really is no place like it. Can’t argue with you there. I’ll just add this: Declaring residence at your in-laws one state over can be pretty great, too. Here, take this map. I’ve highlighted your route. And if you get jostled around by another tornado and it feels like something isn’t quite right afterwards, the best-kept secret for vertigo just might surprise you. I won’t give it all away right now, but just think “dog recovery cone.”
That reminds me: There’s a good friend of mine whose office you’ll pass on your way back. He’s a veterinarian. Best in the world at what he does, and just a magnanimous spirit. I’m sure he’d love it if you brought in Toto for a checkup sometime.
