I, like just about everybody else in the world it seems, loved Spider-Man: No Way Home, a truly impressive feat of event moviemaking.
And the opportunity to see every Spider-Man actor on screen at the same time, saving the world – really, the universe – together will no doubt go down as one of the best moments ever in a superhero film. But with No Way Home opening up the multiverse and a limitless number of Spider-Men, I couldn’t help but feel taken out of the film anytime the character Gary Parker, the fourth Spider-Man in the movie and third to come out of the multiverse, was on screen, because his only role seemed to be suggesting that all the heroes kiss each other.
Without giving too much away, emotions were high throughout entire second half of the film, all the way through to the climactic battle at the Statue of Liberty. Tom Holland’s Spider-Man has been through quite the emotional journey to this point of the movie, and I was ready to see him take on what was essentially an MCU Sinister Six alongside Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield.
However, Gary Parker, who never actually wore anything more than a very shoddy Spider-Man mask throughout the entire film, was there as well. In a very stained white T-shirt and sweatpants that didn’t leave much to the imagination, he took me completely out of what should have been the most thrilling moments of the movie by constantly asking “Kiss? Kiss?”
To be honest, he didn’t say much else other than that when on screen beforehand, so I probably should have expected it. Though, as a supposed “hero,” I did expect him to pitch in during the climactic battle rather than hide behind some pillars with a visible erection, but perhaps I should have seen that coming, too.
I thought Kevin Feige had guided the MCU incredibly to this point, and I was initially thrilled at the prospect of the multiverse. But to use it to introduce a Spider-Man who cut out the mouth of his mask to furiously lick his lips and demand that his fellow Spider-Men “give each other a few sloppies,” whatever that is… I have to say, it’s a major misstep.
It certainly hasn’t hurt the box office for No Way Home, which has made nearly $2 billion. Maybe this is what audiences want, an even more flawed Spider-Man who likely doesn’t even perform any hero work in his own universe. The only reason we as the audience even knew he had powers in the first place was because he clung to the wall at one point using only his penis, and shot a web to pull Maguire and Holland closer, of course saying “Kiss? Kiss?” while Alfred Molina made eye contact with the camera.
The next phase of the MCU looks to have a lot of potential, but I’m really hoping this is where Gary Parker’s journey ends. I’d hate to see him ruining the films of other characters I love; I understand there are an infinite number of Spider-Men and not all of them fit the mold we expect, but some things are better left to the imagination.
This is my plea for Kevin Feige to keep Gary Parker out of any future MCU films. If you have to utilize him in a standalone Disney+ show so be it, and I will obviously watch to see how his role helps shape the next incarnation of the Avengers, but I’m begging that to be the end of the road for this pervert. Unless he gets a standalone comic tie-in, or perhaps a What If…? where he ultimately redeems himself. Then, and only then, will I consider seeing him in another movie or five.
