Hello, it’s me – your brain – ready to usher you through some dreams tonight. I’m so glad to see we’ve fallen asleep before 1 a.m. Our consciousness tells me it’s because the county is removing restrictions on businesses and you hope that means the pandemic is getting better. Well, maybe that hopefulness will pay off in our dreams tonight!
These Delta waves aren’t going to stick around for long, so let’s get dreaming…
Dream 1: Driving
Here you are, driving in the car on a nice sunny day. You’re dressed for work with actual “work shoes.” Oh, and pants that have belt loops! No belt on, though, of course – that’s a relief. Why, it’s almost like in the old days, before the pandemic!
Take a look outside the car and see how there are so few cars on the road. Isn’t this amazing?! Turn on the radio and listen to your favorite station; that will be nice.
“A reminder to our listeners that nearly 3,000,000 people have died worldwide from the coronavirus.”
Hey, this isn’t music! Switch the station.
“Vaccination rates have started to lag as people continue to resist…”
Switch!
“Children are likely to suffer educational and developmental setbacks next year…”
Switch!
“Old people are so lonely now…”
CRASH!
Uh oh. Somehow you rear-ended the car in front of you, which appeared literally out of nowhere! And look, the driver is walking up to your window and he’s not wearing a mask. Now you have to choose between having an argument about insurance on the side of the freeway, or changing dreams.
Dream 2: Hiking
Changing dreams, it is! You’re on your favorite hiking trail with the sun beaming down on you, out among the trees and shrubbery. Lovely nature, always here to calm us and reassure us about the world’s true resilience!
Hey, what’s that on the side of the trail? A cat? Oh a cute, sleeping kitty cat! Wait, no… not a cat. Sweatpants! A pair of sweatpants all crumpled up. And further down the trail, is that a pair of slippers?
Not just any slippers – those are your slippers! And those sweatpants are your favorite pair you wear all day. What are those doing on this trail?
Now you see your sofa, your bookcases, and your rug all strewn along the path.
You look further ahead with your binoculars, and see a man walking behind a moving truck as it drives along the trail. It’s your landlord, who looks really handsome, which makes you feel weird!
Run up to him and ask him what’s going on.
“You’ve been evicted for non-payment of rent,” he says. He tosses a big woven basket on the trail – the one you spent half a paycheck on after seeing it on Instagram. Maybe he’ll take the basket instead of the rent?
“I already have twenty baskets like that,” he says as he shows you an Instagram post of him with his array of baskets. It has fifty million likes.
“But there’s a moratorium on evictions!” you say, as you try to pick up all of your things in your arms. He doesn’t listen.
“Here’s my stimulus check!”
You hand him something but it’s not a check, it’s an autographed picture of Mitch McConnell’s chin parts.
“It’s too late, I’ve already rented the apartment again… while you’ve been out here, hiking,” he says.
Suddenly, you’re in your old apartment. The woman who lives here now has all the beautiful furniture you’ve been looking at online while you were supposed to be working from home.
Ask her if you can live with her!
“Sure,” she says. “You can live here forever!”
She turns around to shake your hand, and when you look at her face you see…
YOUR MOTHER.
Dream 3: Flying
Whew, that was close – almost screamed yourself awake. Now you’re in outer space! A beautiful cosmic view surrounds you as you fly on a spaceship.
There’s a billionaire next to you; you can tell because he’s wearing a Tesla-branded space jumpsuit. You’re wearing your sweatpants and slippers.
You’re both looking out the portal window at the stars and planets. The beauty of the view makes you feel excited about the future. You ask the billionaire if he’s excited, too.
“Oh yes,” he says. “When we land, I’m going to really enjoy colonizing this planet.”
“I thought we were going for research purposes?” you say.
“Didn’t you read the user agreement?” he says, turning to you. You can feel your face turning hot because you never read those user agreements.
“Your net worth was less than 250 Bitcoin – you work for me now! You’ll do what you’re told when we get to the outpost.”
The planet gets closer in the portal window.
Oh, don’t wake up yet…
Dream 4: Shopping
Alright!!! Still dreaming! And now we’re back on Earth… have it your way.
You’re shopping at your favorite store, holding a basket and taking your time browsing. Remember browsing?!
You walk past a woman as you look for the special soaps you love. She gives you a glance, and something about her face seems special, though you can’t place it.
You reach the soaps, arranged in a beautiful display with flowers and candles. You lift one up and smell jasmine. Lift another and smell roses. Lovely!
The owner walks over to you to ask if you need help.
“No, just browsing,” you say as you look up at her, and she smiles at you. You smile back.
You realize that you can see her smiling.
The woman who glanced at you – you can see her smiling, too.
You can see their entire faces.
Where are their masks? Are you wearing a mask?!
That’s why you could smell those soaps! No one in the store is wearing a mask!!!
You try to run as fast as you can out of the store, but your legs won’t move.
You’re breathing faster and faster – wait, are you doing that for real?
Uh oh, is everything fading out? No no no, wait, don’t wake up now! One more dream, this time we’ll do something fun like take a trip on an airplane filled with people! Come on, ple-
