So the thing is, I’m cleaning up around here right now because I think it’s always good to try and be prepared. I know you tend to prefer spontaneity yourself since you just waltzed in here unannounced, but me, I kind of like to plan. And since my place is a bit cluttered at the moment I’ve decided to start moving all the breakable items out of reach now that we’ve entered what I like to call the “London air raid” phase of our relationship.
See there – now that I said it, the air raid sirens are going off again. This isn’t the first time they’ve gone off, either. Remember last week? And the week before that? I thought the bombs were going to strike me then for sure, but thankfully you don’t have very good aim when it comes to throwing plates. The Luftwaffe isn’t always so effective at hitting its targets, now is it?
Shit!
Okay! Okay – I’m sorry I just compared you to the Nazi Air Force.
It’s just that you’ve kind of been reminding me of the Nazi Air Force a lot lately. And, you know, I’m not just saying that for my health. It’s actually pretty bad for my health for me to be so transparent and honest – shit!
Shit! You almost got me that time! Goddamnit… that Ikea crap really shatters easily…
But my point is, it’s like, here I am, just minding my own business like a good little island nation and then suddenly you show up, invade my territory, and start trying to take over everything like some sort of megalomaniac war machine. Just because your panzer division regularly rolls all over your friends’ and neighbors’ boundaries doesn’t mean that I want to totally surrender mine.
Hey – hey! Come on now! That pint glass had sentimental value! This violence and hostility is just so unnecessary.
What?
What?
I can’t understand you when you speak that low. You might as well sprechen Sie Deutsch…
Nothing.
Huh? Göring says what?
Haha.
I am listening! I’m very present! I wouldn’t still be trying to put away as many loose objects as fast as I possibly can if I weren’t present! It’s not like I’m oblivious to the fact that I’m currently being shelled by the Wehrmacht at this exact moment.
See – there! You just made my point for me again! At least it was an empty beer bottle and not a full one.
Fuck… I could really use an underground shelter right about now… maybe I should just turn out the lights and implement blackout conditions…
Because it worked for England!
It’s a strategy that helps minimize damage when being bombed by the Third Reich.
Christ! Come on now, that belonged to my grandmother!
Okay, look – I think the source of the conflict basically boils down to the simple fact that I want an alliance but you want total domination. I wished we’d realized that sooner…
Well, I don’t know, but you clearly don’t have enough Lebensraum to be happy with your own life so you’re trying to suck extra Lebensraum out of me.
Hey! Now you’re throwing my books? Very mature. I bet you’d like to burn them, too.
Stop! Please, stop. Please! No… no!
Ugh… come on, that one was signed by the author! Why are you doing this to me? I mean, I know I’m worse at peace negotiations than Neville Chamberlain, but you’ve gotta admit, sometimes the differences are just irreconcilable, right? Plus, what does it say about me when I actually engage in these discussions with you and acknowledge your point of view? I mean, I don’t feel good about validating an Axis power…
Oh shit… shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Run for cover!
