So, you’re a cheap loser who can’t afford a flight home from your first trip post-pandemic and have opted for a five-hour train ride instead. While getting from point A to point B was pretty difficult in the aftermath of 2020, it’s shot girl summer and young Americans are ready to travel. With the combined surge in summer vacations and loss of social distancing mandates, it’s harder and harder to secure an empty row on a train and no one in their right mind wants to forfeit their seat for snacks/drinks/emotional boundaries.
Here are some top tips to keep that seat extremely empty:
Dress like you’re on your way home from a wild bachelorette party
Penis hat, undereye bags, tank top branded with the phrase “bride tribe” in gold cursive, eyes full of regret – the whole nine. Bonus points if you gag and cough up the aluminum tab from a spiked seltzer as interested parties seeking a seat walk by. Be sure to watch video footage of the male stripper you hired this weekend on full volume from your phone without AirPods. You might even clear the whole train car!
Look sickly
This may not have packed a punch in 2019, but in our modern times, you can get whatever you want if you appear disease-ridden. This could take a lot of forms: perhaps you apply a thick ointment to your face as passengers board; you could always draw on fake chicken pox with a red Sharpie; or maybe you’re traditional and perform a string of fake sneezes while people pass by. Whatever your method, you’re pretty much guaranteed an empty aisle when you utilize this trick. Way to prey on the fears of the public!
Narrate, in unforgiving detail, the goings-on of the train car, including the persona of each passerby
“Sporting a weathered baseball cap and the frown of an older man, he glided with caution down the aisle, searching with nervous haste for an empty seat. Upon hearing her, he recoiled in discomfort and hurried past to seek an option seat elsewhere.” You know, something like that.
Smell like ass
This attribute is usually frowned upon in the proceedings of your day-to-day life, but it can really pay off when you want some personal space on the road. Go easy on the deodorant, heavy on the black bean burritos and optional on the toilet paper! Hello, elbow room.
Own a chihuahua
This one feels self-explanatory. Anyone with a brain will choose to keep walking rather than share a seat with you and your cocaine-buzz-induced friend with eyes bugging out of his skull. Don’t be afraid to hit your little guy with some eye drops and espresso as you approach the next stop to give him that brown goopy eye and permanent body vibration that chihuahuas are so known for.
Open a can of tuna and go to town
With a fork and good attitude, of course.
