Dear Julius Caesar / Caesar / JC / Jules / C-Rock,
I’ve just been informed by the Roman Senate that you intend to “cross the Rubicon.” How dare you do such a thing? As with the other noblemen, I am totally and completely peeved. More than peeved. In fact, I am confused! Where are your virtues? Your honor? Your detailed letter of intent providing important context clues about the crossing of this “Rubicon?”
For years, I have watched your rapid ascent into the upper echelon of Roman society with great admiration. From your beginnings as a lowly foot soldier to being named Consul of the Republic, your emergence has brought Rome great pride and mad street cred. Big fan of all your conquests too, by the way. I mean, Gaul? Motherfucking GAUL? Those guys are fucking huge! Only you would have the cajones to do something like that. Kudos, C-Rock. You’re the man.
So you can only imagine my surprise when I learned of your intent to “cross the Rubicon” despite objections from both the Senate and Pompey the Great (Personally, I don’t think he’s all that “great,” because he didn’t seem to know much about the Rubicons). Nevertheless, he IS sort of a hot shot in Rome right now. And he is royally pissed about you crossing his dumb Rubitron or whatever.
He was all like, “Julius Caesar dares to cross the Rubicon? Mark my words, should the Rubicon be crossed, there will be no uncrossing. There will be war!”
And I was all like, “Whoa, chill Pompey, chill. Yeah, crossing the Rubicom is a big deal. I know that – obviously. But can it not be respectfully uncrossed? Is a Rubicom not unlike the letter “T,” which can be uncrossed with the simple swipe of an eraser?”
And he was all like, “What? What the fuck are you talking about? Are you high again?”
That’s when I left, because to be honest, it was starting to get awkward. I’m beginning to suspect that perhaps Pompey doesn’t actually know what a Rubicron is. Can you imagine that? Him, a respected political figure from a prominent Roman family, not knowing what a Rubichon is. Or what it means to cross it. Like bruh, for real?
I’ve considered attempting to explain it to him, but I’m not sure how to do it without embarrassing the guy. You know how he gets. Men of his stature get butthurt so easily. Remember the toga prank? Not the most recent one, but the one with the pregnant goat?
Anyway, I’m afraid if it came from me, he would accuse me of patronizing him. That’s why I believe it’s best if it came from you, Julius. You’re a sick-ass military commander, someone who Pompey has a man-crush on. So here’s what I’m proposing…
You respond to this letter with a thorough explanation of:
- What is a/the Rubicon?
- Why is it so bad to cross it?
- Has anyone ever crossed the Rubicons before? If so, what happened?
Armed with your detailed explanation, plus my already masterful understanding of all the Rubicones, we should be able to get through to Pompey to avoid a war. Depending on the quality of your response, I may ask for a detailed diagram or cool drawing of both the Rube and the Con just to be safe. Pompey, while “great,” can be a little thick in the skull at times. (Don’t tell him I said that. He’ll hang me! Hahaha but really.)
Anyway, a speedy response would be appreciated because some people (not me) have grown anxious and insecure about not knowing what a Rubicon is. Some people (again, not me) even go as far as to avoid all social interaction out of fear of misspeaking and sounding like an idiot. Stupid, right? I mean, losing sleep and friendships, all because some silly Rubitrons may or may not get crossed? Sheesh, some people! Am I right, J-Dawg?
Well, that’s about it from me. I hope to hear from you soon. And good luck crossing (or not crossing) the Rubicon. Either way, I know you’ll do great!
Your pal forever,
Brutus
