Thank you everyone for making it to this important in-person meeting. I assure you this could not have been an email! Anyone who attempted to show up via Zoom is now terminated.
These are unprecedented times! We used to be the best, most evil corporation in the United States, but now it seems people have moved on to a company that’s even more vile and corrupt…
Amazon.
We at Walmart must do everything we can to win back the disgust and boycotts of the American people! I have devised a six-point plan (the most evil number) to put us back on top of this corporate hellscape.
1. Bring Back the “People of Walmart”
Many people no longer fear our stores. There was once a time when a journey to Walmart meant running into some beguiling creatures. A hairy buttcrack peeking out from our own poorly-made shorts that greets you when you turn down the toy aisle. Men with shirts that warn you he is “loading a fart” and he is forklift-operator-certified! Ladies with Aqua-Net-sprayed bangs and big perms surround you in an aromatic time warp as you peruse the beauty section. “Is there a convention in town?” you ask the cashier, nodding towards the elderly man with a long white beard, staff-like cane, and sparkly silver hat. “No,” they sigh, “that’s just Horace.” We must reinstall this horror by showing people that these creatures still roam our aisles.
2. Figurehead Over Family
People like our company because we are family-owned and oriented. What we need is an evil, freshly divorced CEO to take over operations while also plotting to take control of the world (and the moon!). Someone who is not afraid to take risks and has a big, bald head like any good supervillain would. We have pleaded with many scumbags to take control of the company, but a lot seem to be busy with trials, jail time, and ruining their reputation of being “America’s Mayor.” Luckily, I was able to connect with an old friend who just left their job of twenty-five years. Everyone, say hello to Jeff B!
3. Rollback Workers’ Rights
Sure, we could afford to give our employees a living wage, some insurance, and more, but why would we when the government can just send them money? We need to double down on this and prove to our customers that we don’t care about the well-being of our staff. We will no longer allow for bathroom breaks on company time. Employees must wear adult diapers if they wish to relieve themselves during their shift. These diapers will not be provided by us, but can be found in aisle G4 near the toiletries. Employees may not use EBT to purchase them.
4. Copy Amazon, But “Better” and in a Way Where They Can’t Sue Us
Just copy their business model. We need to up our online shopping game! Introducing Walmart Primo, same-day shipping, and understaffed warehouses. We also will start our own Walmart Web Services but people will not know about it, despite hosting popular apps and being the stats tracker for the American Cornhole League (AWS already does it for most other major sports leagues; we had to take what we could get). So when they say they are boycotting us, they will still be using websites we run! Sneaky, right?
5. Streaming Service
People love adding another $7.99 (plus tax!) charge to their monthly bills. We will offer one show everyone wants to watch and only we get the rights to. Then they will be compelled to watch our other terrible programming in order to make the $7.99 (plus tax!) charge worth it. While we’re at it, let’s claim the rights to a nostalgic holiday special. Families will be forced to buy into it if they want to have a Labor Day worth remembering.
6. Sponsorships
We will sponsor more things people hate, like ICE detention centers and the Houston Astros. Seeing our name out there will remind people just how terrible we really are. Some new commercials with celebrity appearances will really help ramp it up. I am already in talks with Roseanne Barr to appear in ads for our Walmart-brand pharmaceuticals.
In taking these steps, we can assure that the American people will turn against us once again. Amazon, your days are numbered. We at Walmart are going to claim what is rightfully ours – the crown of evil corporations!
Now who wants to join me for lunch at Wendy’s? My treat!
