Drop your cauliflower florets and grab these eleven carb-tastic recipes by the bread balls!
A Loaf of Bread
Sure, abs are cool, but have you tried bread? Grab a fresh loaf and cut it into five, big-ass slices. Take out your preferred condiment. Mine happens to be mashed potatoes. Slather it on thick, then video chat your ab-obsessed keto friends and show them how you cut carbs – with a knife.
A Glass of Spaghetti
Boil a box of uncooked spaghetti. No need to open it, just toss the whole thing in. As it boils, eat straight out of the pan until you reach preferred al dente levels. Then pour whatever’s left into a glass or a beer boot. Drink down those spaghetti arms as they reach for your love handles. Pasta la vista, baby! Pro tip: Chase with a cup of those little downward spiral noodles.
Cereal Sando
“Breakfast of champions?” More like “breakfast of ‘I don’t have time for this.’” Carelessly empty an entire box of your favorite cereal between two loaves of Wonder Bread. I go with Frosted Flakes because Tony gets me hyped, and it’s fun to say “They’re grrreat!” five times real fast. Lock eyes with your cereal mascot, and devour like the college athlete you’re not. Pro tip: Wear a backwards sweatshirt to catch any fallen cereal bits with your hood.
Microwaved Wedding Rice
Take out the rice you were saving for your wedding, and place in a bowl. Add water, butter, and salt until you no longer see the rice. Microwave for fifteen minutes straight. Be sure to stare at it the entire time in case it boils over, which it will. Afterwards, toss it in the air like you just consummated your marriage. Pro tip: Catch the rice with your mouth.
Mystic Chip Pizza Taco
Made of empty promises and empty calories, this meal begins with a hankering for Mystic Pizza starring Julia Roberts. Turn on the movie and up the cheesiness by ordering a three-cheese pie. While you wait, ponder how Julia keeps her womanly figure before throwing an unopened bag of chips at the screen. Sprinkle the crumbs on the pizza and fold it in half like a taco. Cheese the day!
Tater Tot Buns of Steel
You like big buns. And you also like tater tots. Win, win! So go ahead, take those tots from the freezer and slap ‘em onto a tray lined with burger buns. Throw the whole thing in the oven and broil until golden brown. Drizzle with ketchup. Pro tip: Pretend it’s the blood of Robert C. Atkins.
Crunchy Bathtub Chips
Fill your tub with potato chips. I enjoy a mix of whatever’s on sale. Roll around in it until there’s nothing but crumbs left. Using your mouth, vacuum your way out. Pro tip: For some added motivation, blast The Biggest Loser from the other room and listen to Bob Harper yell at people. Pretend he’s yelling at you.
Mac-Stuffed Baked-Potato Lasagna
Bring on the microwavable mac and cheese cups! Zap all twelve of ‘em, stuff each one into a potato, line those babies into a casserole dish, and fill the gaps with bread balls. Cover with shredded cheese and bake until it burbles. Pro tip: Polish it off with a Diet Coke.
You’ve Lost Your Noodles
Boil a pot of water. While you wait, open a package of ramen, and eat the noodles dry. Afterwards, chug the boiling water and snort the flavor packet. Pro tip: Lick the insides of the packet for any remaining residue.
Fuck Salad
The Garden of Eden taught us that forbidden foods can leave us feeling ashamed of our bodies forever, so avoid anything that grows in a garden. In fact, take out a carefully-prepared salad, laugh at it, and yell “Demons out!” before tossing it out the window. For some added flavor, shout to your nosy neighbor, the one with the abs, “NO ONE GETS TOGETHER TO BREAK LETTUCE, CHERYL!”
Give Up
This recipe is basically everything on the list, covered in ranch dressing. Carbe diem!
