Writers know how to create great tension with on-again, off-again couplings: Sam and Diane. Mulder and Scully. That one actress and whatever the name of Nathan Fillion’s character is on Castle. But look out, shippers, because the next great will they/won’t they love story has hit our screens! It’s America and the Paris Climate Agreement! I can’t get enough of watching these two waffle on their commitment to keep the planet habitable!
These are classic rom-com characters. We’ve got a central protagonist, America. Optimistic but brash, good-looking but a bit self-centered, naïve but world-weary, with the overinflated sense of self that defines all great male protagonists, from Odysseus to that Lucas guy from One Tree Hill. And we have the perfect romantic foil, the Paris Climate Agreement, your archetypal manic pixie dream girl. She’s adorably flawed but also somehow the perfect solution to our hero’s problems, and she basically exists only as a narrative device to make our hero feel better about himself.
The story started with our hero chasing the unobtainable love interest, like Zack Morris trying to win over Kelly Kapowski. Our hero tried international diplomacy and shrewd geopolitical maneuvering to win the girl (with the girl in this case being long-range accords to keep global temperatures from increasing by more than two degrees Celsius above pre-industrial levels).
Finally, American president Barack Obama helped convince 197 countries to get exclusive and consummate the relationship. It was as romantic as Ross and Rachel boning in that dinosaur museum. And in that honeymoon period, it looked like everything would end happily ever after. Carbon emissions would drop by 20%. Renewable energy’s market share would hit 20%. Viewership to cable news would increase by 20%, just in time for sweeps. I admit that this old softie might have shed a tear when those two finally got together.
But what’s a great love story without obstacles? America changed its mind, and its president. Under Donald Trump, America wanted to see other people, like corporate polluters and right-wing conspiracy nut jobs. Jilted, the Paris Agreement started flirting with China and the EU, right in front of America’s face. It was like when Summer started dating Zach after Seth sailed off to Portland on The O.C., and then Seth returned and Zach joined his comic book club. Awkward.
Still, the hopeless romantic in me always knew that America and the Paris Agreement couldn’t keep their hands off each other. You see it in their workplace banter that oozes with sexual tension. So when America changed its mind, and its president, again, and Joe Biden signed an executive order re-entering the Paris Agreement, I celebrated by editing a compilation YouTube video of all the couple’s most romantic moments and set it to James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful.”
Still, I wonder if this romantic drama is really over. What will happen next in this turbulent courtship? Maybe in 2024, Donald Trump Jr. will win the presidency, break up with the Paris Climate Agreement, and then nuke Paris for embarrassing his dad just because that terrible rainstorm kept him from visiting WWI soldiers’ graves. Then in 2028, Bernie Sanders will win the Oval Office and get back together with the Paris Agreement, and then in 2032 President Jenna Bush Hagar and Vice President Barbara Bush will call the whole thing off. Strap in, everyone! It’s going to be a roller-coaster ride that puts Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big to shame!
Every love story needs high stakes. Will Joey finally realize that Pacey is the boy for her? Will Jim and Pam become boring, obnoxious suburbanites? Will America and the Paris Agreement manage to keep the planet from becoming a drought-ridden yet simultaneously flooded hellscape?
Boy, it’s going to be fun to watch and find out!
