Sure, wearing a mask over your nose and mouth can stop the transmission of a potentially deadly disease, but it’s also a minor inconvenience! What right do minimum wage employees have to inconvenience YOU, just to protect the health and safety of the public? Clearly there is only one possible response: verbally abusing them as loudly as possible.
But yelling at them isn’t as simple as it sounds! Here are some tips to help you get through it.
Do yell at minimum wage employees in front of your children! It’s a great way to set a good example and teach them an important lesson about how to take advantage of their privilege.
Don’t check your privilege! You’re going to need that privilege if somebody for some reason gets upset with your treatment of someone that has a much more difficult life than you.
Do use threats of physical violence! It’s a great way to get somebody’s attention, and it will make you feel really tough.
Don’t use actual physical violence! That is, unless you have a good feel for where the security cameras are pointed.
Do be sure to bring your gun with you! It’s a good way to feel tough and intimidate them, and it will help with the abovementioned threats of physical violence.
Don’t think of minimum wage employees as human! It might make you have the tiniest tinge of sympathy for them, which will only get in the way. If you have difficulty, try to imagine them as Nazis in their underwear, zombies in their underwear, or killer robots in their underwear.
Do be sure to ask why they don’t speak English, if they have even the slightest accent! There is no room in this country for tired, poor immigrants when you yearn to breathe mask-free!
Don’t yell at food service workers until AFTER they’ve prepared your food! Or learn to enjoy the taste of other people’s saliva.
Do yell at them if you want to tell them they are doing a good job! They will surely enjoy the distraction.
Don’t fill the void where your soul used to be with anything other than seething rage! You may be tempted to fill that void with money, alcohol, or a backup kidney in case something happens to the first two, but you must avoid this temptation. There won’t be enough room for more rage!
Do make sure you get very close to them while yelling at them! You’ll definitely want to get within six feet, preferably within six inches of their face. And, of course, make sure you “spray it as well as say it” to emphasize your point.
Don’t stop yelling just because they start crying! That’s just a sign they are weak and they need some “tough love.” If they reach for a tissue box, slapping it out of their hands is also recommended.
Do remember to have fun! There’s no better entertainment than the kind that comes at the expense of others. And if you aren’t enjoying yourself, what’s the point?
Don’t leave a tip! Some workers make even less than minimum wage. If you are in the lucky position to be patronizing their workplace, avoid giving them any extra money in tip form, as it will help you meet your own financial goals, while also patronizing both them AND their workplace!
Do be sure to warm up your diaphragm and vocal chords before going on a particularly long and loud rant! You don’t want to pull a muscle or get laryngitis. You need to take care of your health; it’s one of the most important things.
Don’t be passive aggressive! Recent studies have shown that extremely loud, active aggression is much more cathartic and helps you avoid a dangerously low blood pressure. It’s in the best interest of your health to avoid passive aggression as much as possible.
