I’ll cut right to the chase since I can hear my son Jimmy getting hungry. I know some of y’all don’t keep up with the news but this year has been its own haunted hayride. Among other things, there’s a plague going around that’s caused my beautiful son Jimmy to crave the warm flesh of man.
Jimmy was always my best helping hand around the farm, but on account of the other farmhands having the misfortune of being feasted upon, he’s now my only helping hand. I can’t do the haunted hayride by myself so asking Jimmy to stay out of it isn’t an option. Y’all understand. With that in mind, I’ve made a few more changes to Creepy Marty’s Creepy Halloween Hayride Haunt.
They’re as follows:
1. I know in the past a lot of you liked to take turns with Jimmy seeing who could bite who the hardest. What a fun and not at all questionable game you played with my sweet boy! You people really knew how to treat my beautiful son, who’d come home after the evening’s hayrides covered in bruises and bite marks, smiling from ear to disfigured ear. But I reckon that game isn’t such a good idea anymore given the recent changes. Jimmy filed his teeth down to points the other day, and – this is just my opinion – it gives him an unfair advantage.
2. “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Don’t be fooled: it ain’t Christmas and I ain’t talking about Santa! I’m talking about the fact that Jimmy is always watching from just outside of your field of vision and is waiting for ANY opportunity to strike. You MUST REMAIN VIGILANT. You see Granny start to nod off in the carriage, you shake her until she sees God. If you don’t, she’ll be visiting the Big Man sooner than you’d like.
3. There were several attractions last year that were a big hit. The devil swine, the ghost of that one kid, Aunt Lanson’s lifeless venomed corpse that sprung out from the cornfield animatronics-style. Boy did we all have a laugh! Good times. We ain’t doing any of that this year. We got something new you’ll NEVER expect!
4. MY! PERFECT! SON! JIMMY! He’s sPoOkY, alright! He’s a cannibal! Or a zombie? I’m not sure actually, but he’s terrifying! You’re welcome!
5. There won’t be any hay this year. I know. “But Creepy Marty, it’s a hayride!” you say stupidly, as if I don’t know that. But the other day I had to burn all of it to smoke Jimmy out of his hiding spot. He takes hide-and-seek way too seriously! I had to burn my only valuable asset to win, which is annoying to say the least.
6. There won’t be any horse-drawn carriages either. Too open. In order for the hayride to stay on the safe side of scary, you and Jimmy have to be on equal terms. Otherwise it’s just a slaughter! Fortunately, we had an AWESOME standoff with the police the other day, and Jimmy was able to nab one of their armored rescue vehicles. You won’t find a safer mode of transport for this hayride. It should be noted that Jimmy is very familiar with the vehicle, having destroyed at least three in the standoff, and knows all of its weak points. It’s a super sweet ride though. Got a V-8.
7. I’m sure plenty of you are wondering where my wife, Jimmy’s wonderful mother, has been during all of this. So am I. This isn’t a change in the hayride, but I haven’t seen her in a few days. Please – if you have any information about her whereabouts, call me right away. My number is in the phonebook under Creepy Marty’s Creepy Halloween Hayride Hunt. (There must’ve been a typo in the printing.)
8. Politics, politics, politics! It’s all you people think about nowadays! Clearly none of you have a beautiful boy who takes sick joy in the killing and consuming of other humans. Literally nothing else matters when you’re constantly trying to wean your son off the taste of man-flesh. But for our new price of $20 a ride, you too can know what it’s like to escape the everyday horrors of politics. All you have to do is escape the horror of my sweet boy!
9. MASKS ARE REQUIRED. Specifically masks that disguise you to look something else other than human. If you take off your mask during the hayride you will meet the fate of the old farmhands and that kid from Postmates. NO EXCEPTIONS.
10. Jimmy wants me to add that he’s going to go easy on all of you. He said, and I quote, “I prefer not to rush things.” Not completely sure what he meant by that, but he was grinning when he said it, so there you go!
I hope to see a total of zero of your faces at the hayride this October. Wear a damn mask. My perfect son will eat you if you don’t.
