Dear Students of Our Beloved Community,
As we rapidly approach this fall semester, uncertainty still lingers. We understand that many of you are questioning the safety of an education during a zombie outbreak, and to that incredibly burning issue, we would just like to say this: we hear you. Feel better already, don’t you?
From the beginning, our university has valued the safety of our students. You have to give us some credit; we did send you home in the spring when there were only a few zombies. We feel that although the apocalypse is as bad as it’s ever been, it really is about time we bring several thousand people to the same exact location. At the end of the day, even though online classes will keep you very safe, they just aren’t practical. Because, let’s be honest, we could never expect you to pay full price for another semester of a remote education. So we figured let’s just bring them back!
Even though there’s a high probability that your flesh will be brutally ripped from your own body, just think about the aspects of college life you will finally get back: overpriced student housing, frozen Aramark dining food from 2007, and pseudo-intellectuals in your philosophy 101 lecture. Come on, we know you’re foaming at the mouth (hopefully not from a zombie bite) for more!
On top of our already respectable efforts, we have set in place a variety of rules and regulations to ensure the undead doesn’t turn our lovely campus into an all-you-can-eat buffet. For example, to prevent zombie bites, every student will be required to wear foam body padding in the hallways, during lectures, and on campus grounds. We understand some of you feel the zombie apocalypse is a hoax, and that body padding is a useless, freedom-inhibiting precaution. Although we recognize your patriotic perspective, we still urge you to put it on. However, if you don’t wear it, what the hell are we gonna do about it!
Believe it or not, we consider these circumstances to be a valuable aspect of your education. Throughout your career, you will be required to adapt and change countless times. When this fall semester rolls around, luckily for you, adapting is practically all you’ll be doing. Think about how many times you’ll need to strategically map your walk to class to avoid a massive hoard, or how many friends you’ll need to cut off because they’ve turned into a flesh-craving monster. By the end of fall semester, you’ll be a pro at managing unimaginable pain and suffering.
In any bad situation, one can look to a silver lining to settle their frustrations. In this instance, our student body can rest assured knowing that our school president hasn’t taken a salary cut in any way shape or form. In fact, he just got a massive raise! According to his bank statement, he just bought a “giant zombie-proof bunker” and a “suit made of gold.” Aren’t you happy for him?
Once again, we understand your immense fear for returning to campus this fall. But in the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt: “We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.” So maybe just think about that when your general psychology professor tries to eat your arms and legs. And like we said, and will continue to say: we hear you.
Good luck out there!
Your Loving, Caring University