It looks like the corona stunner isn’t going anywhere this summer and you’ve gotta hunker back down into your bunker. Bummer. Do-it-yourself haircuts and homemade kombucha are so yesterday three months ago. It’s high time for some dynamite new activities to propel you through this endless, complicated time, and you will find nothing basic here.
Use these DIY activity hacks to spice up your lockdown and make your social isolation totally loco!
1. Bring on the Bling
There’s nowhere to go and no reason to get dolled up, (or wear pants or shower), but you can still look your outer best by boring brand-new holes in your bored, tired body. Piercing a different body part every month gives you a handy way to mark the passing of time now that it’s lost all meaning. Make things extra: get your partner (in-person or online) to suggest the part or guess where you’ve already done it! And don’t worry about the implications of any new facial jewelry; masks will keep your face piercings from being seen by strangers, and you’re not going to job interviews anytime soon.
Just remember to sterilize your instruments, because as all the moms are saying these days, “We are NOT going to the hospital right now over THIS.” #SepsisYepSis
2. Tatt’s All, Folks!
If your kids are anything like mine, you ran out of paper back in March, and there’s hardly an interior wall that isn’t already covered in their handiwork. Stop searching for a surface; just look down! Grab a needle, some ballpoint pens, and give your children a chance to express themselves in an impactful, permanent way. Body modification = homeschool anatomy, art, and hands-on craftsmanship for that college application (if we all survive and college is even a thing). Chances are you’ll even teach an unforgettable vocabulary lesson in the process.
3. It’s a Grind
Everyone and their mom (mine, anyway) has already made loaf after loaf of their beloved sourdough starter. Snore. Cook up something no one has thought up yet: milling your own flour. That’s crushing it! Any and every grain will do, and if you want to really get into the weeds, use the ones in your lawn. Green is good! Don’t sweat it if a few bugs get in there; extra protein is never a problem.
4. What’s That Buzz?
Speaking of weeds, marijuana is virtually legal (read: boring!) these days, and who wants to snack more than they are already? What a downer! Consider, won’t you, opium? Chasing the dragon provides euphoria, relaxation, pain relief and comes with serious literary cred. Plus, the flowers will bring some much-needed pops of cheer to your neighborhood. Also, cool new pipes from Amazon. Dooo eeeeeet.
5. Whet Yer Whistle
If the elusive Xanadu is a bridge too far for this wave of the pandemic, but you still want to get seriously messed up, don’t fret, Stacy Stuckathome – there are still lots of ways to get stoned. Tired: homemade hand sanitizer. Wired: Bathtub gin. And if you really want to ride the sequestration-as-prison simile, we’re not gonna hate you for this one: toilet wine is a fine stay-at-home beverage as far as anyone knows. But if you’re a true Pinterest mama, that vintage clawfoot tub is calling. I mean, Martha Stewart recently drunk tweeted, so what are you waiting for? Hiccup.
6. Meat Cute
For whatever reason – ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ – more people are cooking their own meals these days. It’s grilling season, but meat is expensive and increasingly hard to find. Fortunately, the answer is nearby – right outside, in fact. Eating plentiful, free, sustainable, squirrel meat is good for you and for the local birds. You just can’t beat tree-based-meat. Plus, people have been eating squirrel in this country for a long time, but probably no one in your Feed. Also, it really does taste like chicken. Just go ask your cat. Don’t eat your cat, though… not yet.
7. Dare to Bare?
Have you thought – I mean really thought long and hard – about recording some good, old-fashioned homemade porn? If there was ever a time, it’s now. But please, for the love of posterity, consider what your, ahem, parts are going to look like. There’s no shame in a natural look, but a DIY Brazilian will add that certain je ne sais quar.
8. I Fold!
One word, four syllables: Origami.
9. Divine Insta-iration
If you’re feeling Instagram fatigue – and who isn’t? – seeing even one more picture of someone’s homemade loaf of bread is going to break you. But what’s the good of having tens of thousands of Instalytes if you’re just posting the same memes and miscellany as everyone else? Take your flock to the next level. Start an Instareligion. Post your “Ten Instamandments.” Sell Instadulgences (whipped coffee-scented prayer candles, anyone?). Share your Instaprophesies for the End of Days. What have you got to lose besides followers?
