INTERVIEWER: Charles Entertainment Cheese. That’s an interesting name. What is that, Dutch?
CHUCK E. CHEESE: Rat, actually.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, right.
CEC: But you can just call me Chuck.
INTERVIEWER: So, Chuck, tell me a little bit about yourself.
CEC: Up until recently I was the mascot at a chain of nationwide children’s restaurants. Unfortunately, after forty-three years in business, they were forced to file for bankruptcy.
INTERVIEWER: And how do you feel that’s prepared you for a job in finance?
CEC: Well, when you work all day around kids who are hopped up on pizza and soda, you learn to be quick on your feet. You never know when someone’s going to throw up, bash you over the head with a Whac-A-Mole mallet, or try to grab you by the tail, so you have to be able to react to any curveball that’s thrown your way, much like in the world of corporate finance.
INTERVIEWER: Um, yeah, sort of. And where did you work before that?
CEC: After college I spent a few years as a lab rat, but the pay was virtually non-existent and the work conditions were subpar at best. One day they’ve got you hooked up to a machine to measure your brain’s pleasure center, and the next they’re subjecting you to a series of electroshocks to test your pain threshold, or pumping your body full of cocaine to study addiction. Plus, I was tired of constantly having to navigate through the workplace mazes, literally. After that I took a couple years off to do some self-exploration and figure out what kind of rat I wanted to be. Did I want to be someone’s pet, or did I want to spend my entire life rooting around in dumpsters and alleyways for garbage to eat? In the end my love for cheap pizza and arcade games led me to the restaurant/family entertainment business.
INTERVIEWER: What are your greatest strengths?
CEC: I’m relentless. Back at the lab they used to call me the Energizer Bunny, which I found confusing, since I’m a rat, but the point is that I just keep going and going. One time, during an experiment on the effects of sleep deprivation, I went six whole days without so much as a nap, and I was still able to complete an obstacle course where I had to find a piece of cheese. Speaking of which, another strength of mine is my sense of smell. I’m not exactly sure how that can be applied to this particular position, but it’s something.
INTERVIEWER: And what would you say your weaknesses are?
CEC: I’m a perfectionist. For example, there’s a song and dance routine we did back at Chuck E. Cheese whenever it was a kid’s birthday. I made sure that I nailed it every single time, and if I felt that I was a little off one night, I would stay late after work and practice for hours until I had the choreography down to a T. As a result, I missed more than a few of my own kids’ birthday parties, though in my defense I do have over 2,000 children.
INTERVIEWER: How did you hear about this position in the first place?
CEC: I’ve got a few buddies who hang out in the sewers under Wall Street and they overheard some businessmen talking about it. Word spreads fast in the rat community. That, and disease.
INTERVIEWER: Great. I think that about covers everything. We’ll let you know in the next few days if we think it’s a good fit.
CEC: Give it to me straight, what are my chances?
INTERVIEWER: Well, if I’m being perfectly honest with you, my biggest concern, and please don’t take this the wrong way, is that you’re a giant anthropomorphic rat.
CEC: Oh, I see. So it’s a species thing?
INTERVIEWER: No, of course not! It’s just that, we’re looking for someone with a little more hands-on experience in the finance world. Someone less…
CEC: Just say it. Someone less rodential!
INTERVIEWER: Well…
CEC: I knew it! You corporate fat cats are all the same, you know that? And where I come from, the c-word is the ultimate insult.
INTERVIEWER: Okay, I think you should leave now.
CEC: Oh, you mean crawl back into the sewer where I came from?
INTERVIEWER: Well, you did put on your resume under current address, “The sewer under the Sbarro on Broadway.”
CEC: I’m between places at the moment! I don’t have to justify myself to you. I don’t need this job. I can go work at my cousin Remy’s restaurant in Paris. That’s right, Paris, France! You can suck my long, hairless tail!
INTERVIEWER: That’s it. I’m calling security.
