Monday
8:00 -10:00: Stranger Things – Dad parks himself on a downtown bench and yells things at strangers.
10:00 -11:00: Game of Thrones – Contestants must guess how long Dad will be in the bathroom based on the reading material he takes with him and whether he had tacos for lunch. Technically, the winner is the one to guess closest without going over, but nobody ever goes over.
Tuesday
8:00 -9:00: Doctor Who – Dad loudly denounces medical experts he doesn’t agree with on the grounds that he’s never heard of them.
9:00 - 11:00: The Good Place – Dad waxes eloquent about, and from, his leather La-Z-Boy recliner with insulated cupholder.
Wednesday
8:00 -9:00: The Voice – Contestants listen as Dad plays the first three seconds of a telemarketing call and they have to guess which organization “is bothering us at 6 p.m… don’t they know that people are sitting down to dinner… they’re tying up the land line – what if there was an emergency… now I’m going to have to get up and delete the message to free up space on the cassette tape.”
9:00 - 10:00: 13 Reasons Why – Dads explain why their kids aren’t allowed to do thirteen different things , from watching their first PG-13 movie to getting a tattoo of Satan on their forehead (spoiler alert : it’s thirteen different volume levels of “Because I said so”).
10:00 -11:00: This Old House – Each episode, Dad calls a different contractor, gets a quote to have something in the house fixed, then unleashes his catchphrase: “Do I have a slot in my head? ‘Cause you sure are trying to screw me!” He kicks the contractor out and insists he’ll just do it himself over weekend for a third of the cost. For the fifth season in a row, we get to check in with all the same contractors, as “something has come up” every weekend to prevent Dad from fixing anything.
Thursday
8:00 -9:00: Rude Paul’s Drag Race – Dad Paul Johnson yells at his wife for letting the kids leave for school without taking out the trash, then yells at the garbage truck to “wait a minute, goddammit!” and then yells every swear word he knows at his broken-wheeled garbage cans as he frantically lugs them to the curb.
9:00 -10:00: Pa Patrol – Dad patrols the neighborhood looking to report anyone whose grass is over 3.5 inches tall.
10:00 -11:00: The Amazing Race – Ten dads and their kids are sent off in minivans for an afternoon of visiting every corner of the tri-county area, during which the dads will – when Rush Limbaugh goes to commercial – say, “You want to hear something amazing?” and then provide detailed explanations of how every square foot of land has changed since he was a kid. The first dad to hit every point of “interest” and return to base gets two hundred points. We’re hoping this is the season we get to award the 2,000-point bonus for anyone in the car still being awake.
Friday
8:00 -9:30: The Walking Dad – Dad gets a Fitbit. We watch him get home from work, roll up the sleeves of his dress shirt, throw on some cargo shorts, blindingly white sneakers, and a headband, then manically hoof it around the block for three hours each evening. This planned series was pared down to a three-night miniseries, production being shut down when Dad felt a twinge in his left calf, “which is something you don’t want to mess with, ‘cause that’s how Houdini died.”
9:30 -11:00: Fear the Walking Dad – Neighbors are forced to flee their porches to take refuge inside their houses, lest the walking dad spy them and stop walking long enough to preach the benefits of his new athletic lifestyle and that they should get off their butts and do the same and if they have any questions about getting started he would be glad to share his nearly two days of experience but he understands that not everyone is as determined as he is.
Saturday
8:00- 9:30: Arrested Development – The neighborhood dads – who have not played a contact sport since high school – start brutalizing each other during pickup football games to impress Deana, the hot 28-year-old who just moved in down the street.
9:30-11:00: The Bachelor – Dad is presented with the opportunity to spend the night with his choice of thirty budget motels when Mom kicks him out for accidentally calling her Deana one too many times.
Sunday
8:00- 11:00: Movie of the Week – Dirty Harry. Every week.
