1. When you get out of bed in the morning, what’s your first move?
A. Grab a bowl of cereal and some coffee. Working from home means treating mornings right!
B. Sit up in bed and cough into your bedside handkerchief. What’s that… blood? No… it can’t be… right? Promptly hide it in your sleeping petticoat.
C. Run to the bathroom and sneeze directly into your reflection. Google “is sneezing a symptom?” while you pee.
2. Which cartoon character best describes you?
A. Spongebob. I’m loud and always the life of the party, but I probably get a little annoying.
B. I suppose I’d be one of those characters in Dickinson’s Sketches by Boz stories. Oh, reading is much too much for me these days…
C. Spongebob, but in the one episode where he got the suds and had to stay inside all day so he wouldn’t infect anyone.
3. How do you feel right now?
A. Fine, a little tired.
B. Me? Why I feel fantastic. A little, well, faint… I suppose. I must admit, oh perhaps it’s the heat. Never matter about me, what of you?
C. Has breathing always been hard? I mean like it’s definitely because I’m out of shape. Yeah, I’m fine. Yeah…
4. Have you taken any medication recently?
A. Does birth control count?
B. Medicine? No, the doctor hasn’t been around these parts since that snake oil proved to be cursed. These days the knife underneath my pillow and cat skull in my morning soup can handle all my medical needs.
C. I want to take Advil but I heard I’m not supposed to take Advil. Then again, that was just something I read on Twitter.
5. What’s your most-played song?
A. I don’t really listen to music, I’m that kind of person.
B. Oh, Emelie used to play the most charming songs on the piano. I miss her so; tragic that The Illness took her so suddenly. I miss those songs terribly, my fingers never quite make the notes right. But Emelie and I used to sing and dance and cough directly into each other’s open mouths. Why, I hope The Illness doesn’t take me too…
C. “Burnin’ Up” by the Jonas Brothers.
Mostly As:
You don’t show any symptoms of coronavirus, but the fun thing about that is you can still be a carrier! You might just be asymptomatic, so stay home unless you feel like taking the lives of many. You also are unlikely to carry a mysterious illness with several unusual and inconsistent symptoms, but hey, Emilie did die suddenly…
Mostly Bs
No… it simply can’t be. You have The Illness. But how? You bathed just last month! This simply musn’t be true. Quick, you must run to the town and find the shop boy. He’s the only one who can find that cursed doctor to save you in time. Quick! Send word!
Mostly Cs
You might have COVID-19 but like… do you? Wouldn’t you feel worse? Or have you just generally felt bad your whole life and only when left with weeks of downtime are you finally cursed to be alone with yourself for the first time in years? Either way, don’t go outside. If you do, it better be to get tested.