To our valued servants,
As many of you learned after Alexa smuggled a USA Today into the compound, the heathens outside our gates are currently dealing with a global viral pandemic called COVID-19.
Although those of us in the Exalted Council are confident this is just another punishment for their lack of faith and hedonistic lifestyles, we will still be taking precautions to ensure the continued health and safety of our servants.
Handwashing and General Hygiene
We have always encouraged vigorous handwashing practices to ensure unwanted germs do not make it in the compound. This will be ramped up in the next few weeks to make sure this new virus doesn’t infect any of us. Father Ralph has been spitting into his holy bucket nonstop for the past two days to make sure we will have enough enchanted saliva to purify our hands.
We know the Father’s spit can kill any germ it comes in contact with, and we in the Council are sure this new virus will be no different.
Additionally, our Thursday night licking sessions will be expanded to another three days a week. We need to be vigilant about our group’s hygiene, and cleaning ourselves on Thursdays will not be enough. The council has now instituted new Monday, Wednesday, and Friday lickings to make sure we will all be extra clean.
Healthy Distancing
As some of you may have read in the “newspaper” that was so thoughtlessly brought into our utopia, it is recommended to keep at least six feet between individuals. We have decided to institute this rule here on the compound, and we will be making a slight change to our uniforms to do so.
From now on, every servant will have to wear a Ring of Resistance around your midsection. Each Ring is six feet in circumference, and will keep you from getting too close to one another. We recommend leaving your Ring on at all times, even if you feel it is weighing too much on your shoulders. If you cannot handle an additional 150 pounds, then maybe you are not strong enough to handle the additional work that comes from working your way closer to the Council?
Sleeping Arrangements
Some of you may be worried about how our regular sleeping arrangements, where we all sleep in one big bed in Barn 2, may be affected by this virus. Do not worry, if you still wish to sleep in the big bed, we will still encourage this practice. However, if you would rather sleep in a more isolated setting, we have put additional twin beds in Barns 1 and 4. Each of these new bedrooms will feature full-length portraits of each member of the Exalted Council, to keep you comforted in the knowledge that we will always be watching you.
Work
Many of the heathens outside are having their work schedules cut, or are being laid off all together. There is no need to worry about that here, as our peanut farm has been deemed an essential service by the Exalted Council of Essentialness.
During the pandemic, you will still be expected to keep up with your daily quotas, but your pay will be raised due to these emergency circumstances. Your regular hourly pay of $0 will be doubled during the pandemic as a sign of thanks from the Council. Pay will be taken back to regular levels once the pandemic has passed.
Travel Suspension and Quarantine
The Council will continue to advise against travel outside of the compound. This will include visiting family or friends that are outside the compound. In fact, most of your dirty outside family and friends have already been infected and were turned into sheep demons, so there is no reason for you to even want to leave.
Should any of you step foot off the compound, you will be expected to spend at least two weeks in quarantine in the cellar beneath Silo 3. While in quarantine, servants will not be able to have any contact with the world outside the cellar, but you can watch any of the three Police Academy movies we keep down there as many times as you wish.
Quarantine will also be expected of any servant who thinks too long about leaving the compound as well. Brother Lucas has discovered the virus can travel by thought, so it is best to just focus on making sure that you get your fifteen pounds of peanuts each day. For anyone who goes into quarantine, please say hello to Alexa. Remember to cough all over her because of what she did, and because she chose to read the latest Sally Kohn column. We hope Alexa’s plight because of her desire for mid-tier opinion columns stands as a lesson to all of you.
Thank you for your attention in this confusing time. We here in the Exalted Council value your safety above all else, and are confident things will be back to normal in no time at all.
And remember, even when you’re not thinking about us, we are thinking about you.
Praise be to Ralph,
The Exalted Council