It’s said President Lincoln stirred his coffee with his massive dick (it was the same length as his stovepipe hat). Despite doing this his entire life, he never burned his sensitive penile skin even once.
When Abraham Lincoln stopped shaving his face, he also stopped shaving his pubic hair in order to mask his massive, massive dick. It did not work.
When you say to yourself, “Wasn’t Abraham Lincoln born around now?” and you do a search only to discover that day was today, but he wasn’t birthed – he emerged from the sea foam, naked, clutching his luxurious hair to elegantly cover his massive, massive dick.
Alan Moore’s original draft of Dr. Manhattan’s Mars speech from The Watchmen read: “And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter… until a mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was he, only he, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold… that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermo-dynamic miracle: Abraham Lincoln’s massive dick.”
The original Gettysburg Address was supposed to be four-and-a-half minutes of Abraham Lincoln helicoptering his massive dick to encourage peace between the warring factions of a young, divided country.
Mary Todd Lincoln died in 1882 of a stroke. The attending physician decreed the stroke was induced by Mary Todd recalling a story about Abraham Lincoln’s massive dick.
John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln because of penis envy.
