So you survived Dry January. You abstained from alcohol all month, and your sleep has never been sounder. Your skin has never looked more radiant. Your junk has never been tinglier.
Well, guess what: now it’s Wet February. Time to ask yourself, who in God’s name do you think you are? Nice try, health guru. Underneath that glowy skin is the same old you, and you’re boring as shit when you’re sober.
Here are a few ways to dive right back into that drinking problem as quickly as possible:
- Enlist the help of others. Tell the people who know you best: your loser friends. Ask them to support you as much as possible, whether that means forcing you to have one more even though you have to get up early, or encouraging you to text everyone you’ve ever hooked up with, even though you’re in no shape to spell.
- Plan ahead. Going out? Call ahead to make sure they have liquor (be sure to specify, “a LOT of it”). Staying in? Use weekends for drink prepping: make a big batch of your favorite beverage, pour it into separate baggies, then pull them out as the week goes on. Couldn’t be easier!
- Meditate. Turning inward is a great way to keep your motivation up. Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths. Then, focus your thoughts on all the things that are stressing you out. In what ways are you not good at your job? Will you ever make your parents proud? Do you have enough money saved? Are you sure? If that doesn’t work, try zeroing in on anything awkward you’ve said the past few days, months, or decades.
- Keep your eyes on the prize. What are your #wetfebruarygoals? Do you want to seem cooler than you really are? Perhaps you’re inspired by the great poet Billy Joel, and you too would like to “forget about life for a while?” Whatever it is that’s driving you to being the most you-like version of yourself, never lose sight of it.
- Be prepared for slip-ups. You will have bad days. One thing leads to another, and before you know it, it’s almost bedtime and you haven’t had one sip of alcohol. Don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow’s a whole new chance to get back to feeling like a steaming pile of crap.
Bottom line: you GOT this. Wet February will fly by, and before you know it, you’ll be using that gravelly voice to preach to everyone the benefits of not not drinking. Remember… red eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. Cheers!
