It’s another proud day in America. The sun is shining on us all a little brighter, birds are singing and the snow is melting, because we, thanks to the rule of law, launched our president into space. No one wanted it to come to this, but it’s what the Founding Fathers explicitly stated. How they knew what exactly space was, or that we’d be able to somehow get there I’ll never know, but they did. They told us if the president did a boo-boo, of any kind, bam, you’re outta here.
Enjoy the endless dark of space, dummy.
Having it only take a simple majority vote in the House of Representatives may seem shortsighted but keep in mind they knew we’d only be able to actually launch people into space when we needed it most. Richard Nixon was lucky and was only forced to helicopter away; Bill Clinton was launched to space but got to come back by flirting his way onto a shuttle. They attempted to launch Andrew Johnson into space, but he only made it about twenty feet into the air and got caught in a tree.
Now, though, we have much more powerful rockets and robots, as the Founders surely would have known. It may seem harsh to strap Donald Trump onto hundreds of thousands of gallons of rocket fuel and point him into the infinite vacuum of space, but that’s democracy in action, folks. He committed a crime and this is the punishment written into the very framework of our nation. It’s the same framework that allows us all to do the things we love, so long as we have rich parents. That’s the beauty of America, people. It’s the very thing that makes us great.
While Donald Trump may be launched to the space, in accordance to the express will of our Founding Fathers, he’s still being afforded his freedom. He’s well within his rights to take over the rocket we’ll use to launch him into space, land on the moon, and build a secret base. There he will amass power through dark rituals invoking the ancient names of forgotten gods.
Those are his rights, of course. It’s what the Founders wanted. They knew, just as well as we do now, about the Ancient Ones’ connection to the moon and that someday a pure evil would be able to commune with them. It really is a shame that our system has failed us all in not properly educating us as citizens, because the Constitution is truly a beautiful and flawless document. At almost every turn it accounts for our modern problems. It is an intuitive, living thing, because it was written in Thomas Jefferson’s blood as he communed with the Babylonian god Marduk.
Today is truly a great day for our nation and, by extension, the world. We’re showing the strength and beauty of our democratic republic. We can weather any storm, be it unfettered corruption, or an inevitable lunar invasion of our world by Apocolothoth summoned by Donald Trump.
Ours is a strong and healthy democracy, now more than ever.