1. A Brand-New Name: In fulfilling his campaign pledge to rename our country the Republic of Bawitdaba, President Rock held a press conference on the Capitol steps with a few members of his cabinet, including Kid Ag, Kid Commerce, and Kid HUD. In a stirring speech he asked all Americans to please calm the fuck down. “Y’all need to treat each other better and give a flying hillbilly fuck about each other,” he said. “Except for that beeyotch in the failing New York Times.” He also announced that the White House is to be renamed the Honky Tonk Tootsie Rock Ship of State.
2. Beverage Policy: Secretary of Feral Hogs Throckmorton “Osmosis” Jones, who was sworn in with his hand atop a copy of Ayn Randy’s Atlas Shagged, announced his first act will be to install a distillery on every stream in the Republic.
3. Public Health: Secretary of Smoke Jimmy “Kingpin” Bones rolled out new policy changes from his winter office on Riker’s Island. Among them and effective immediately:
- As a public health emergency measure against mosquito-borne illnesses and “bad people and other rapists,” pregnant women will be issued cigarettes and AR-15s.
- After relaxed air pollution regulations resulted in an Earth-enveloping smog, leading to the solar industry losing the coordinates of the sun, the Rock Administration has created the World Emissions Trading and Poker Conference, wherein the United States can buy and sell pollution credits. The first trade will be done with Antarctica.
- Power plants and factories will switch their emissions to nighttime in order to conceal them from the prying gaze of the public. Because it’s cooler at night, nocturnal emissions are more efficient.
4. Other Emissions Trading Adjustments: Despite the recent scuffle between representatives from the Republic of Bawitdaba and the European Union, the World Emissions Trading and Poker Conference will continue with minor rule modifications introduced by President Rock. The Republic will henceforth be allowed to choose between a round of Texas Hold’em and Five-Card Stud when laying a Double Belly-Buster in nitrous oxide on the table, and the EU will not be allowed to respond with a Royal Flush in carbon dioxide. The Rock Administration will levy massive tariffs on any country accusing them of a stacked deck.
5. The Clean Coal Policy will be scrubbed due to the rising cost of soap. Instead, the Rock Administration will show its deep commitment to the environment by reducing emissions of methane, carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases in more innovative ways. A program establishing mandatory limits on cow farts conducted a series of studies using experimental plugs for the nation’s beef and dairy herds, and found that fewer than 100 of the plugged cows exploded. When plugs were accidentally removed, only 50 cows accelerated to more than 70 mph.
6. Chatterbox CAFE Standards Resurrected: Although Congress hasn’t talked about them since the Jurassic period, Corporate Average Fuel Economy (CAFE) standards were the subject of an animated debate on the floor of the Senate today. The debate occurred after a massive, nationwide traffic jam resulted when the last running vehicle in America, a 12-passenger Hummer driven by a single occupant, ran out of gas on the Los Angeles Freeway and blocked the last open exit ramp. It created a chain reaction that was felt all the way to the DC beltway. Urged on by President Rock, Congress has voted for more study of the situation. While privately-owned vehicles will probably see some kind of restrictions in the future, government and corporate fleets of “rolling coal” pickup trucks will be exempted.
7. More to Come: In its second hundred days, the Rock Administration plans to rewrite the National Anthem, the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and to expand the Louisiana Purchase Treaty to include Canada.
