Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: I shouted the name of another woman during, I’d say, a pretty good session of lovemaking – especially for a Wednesday.
I can understand why you’re a little confused and a lot angry. I did yell what could very well be the name of a woman: Persephone. And I admit it was very stupid to insist you had misheard me. Your name is Kate and Kate sounds nothing like Persephone. Not only does Persephone have three more syllables, I also, as you know, quietly spelled it out while I was still in my post-orgasm stupor.
Please believe me when I say that Persephone is not my mistress. You see, Persephone is my neti pot. My dear, dear neti pot. You look confused. Don’t you know what a neti pot is? Of course you do. Persephone is the ceramic genie-lamp-looking thing I use to irrigate my sinuses.
I call it – can I say her? I’m more comfortable with her – Persephone because Persephone is the Greek goddess of spring. Before Persephone (the neti pot), I had no spring. Just one year ago, my spring meant rivers of snot – and potentially brain matter – flowing from my nostrils. A life of congestion made me hate flowers. Remember last July 4th at the Donovans’? I poured gin on any flower I saw. Orchids, hydrangeas, ranunculus – all destroyed. Well, thanks to Persephone, I barely even sneezed last night as I drizzled Mountain Dew on the neighbors’ rhododendrons. Maybe I just hate flowers…
So, I have named her – you named your Rav 4 “Dusty” so don’t get too judgmental – but why would I shout the name of my neti pot during an erotic high, you ask? Now we’re getting to the heart of the matter. My therapist thinks it has to do with release. Sex provides a nice physical release of tension while Persephone releases my spirit from the madness of Satanic sinus stuffiness with a smooth saline solution that restores me to the life I was meant to live. Last night I got my wires crossed.
Does that mean I sometimes shout your name during a sinus rinse? Yes. That’s exactly what it means. And sure, Persephone was upset at first, but after a thorough cleaning with baby shampoo, massaging a coconut milk fruit scrub into her nooks and crannies, she seemed willing to forgive me. If Persephone could forgive, I’m sure you can too.
I’m happy to sit down and discuss what role Persephone should play in our marriage, but not until I make it through the grass pollen hell that is July. Persephone will play a key role in my sinus survival – frankly, a much bigger role than you. If the chance of another Persephone scream is too much of a mood killer, perhaps we should forgo sex in high-pollen months.
Don’t worry, we’ll always have winter.
