1. Home
Avoid the crowded beaches like Myrtle and Panama City – you don’t want to blend in, you want to stand out! Kick back in the comfort of your last known address for a nice staycation with the front door wide open so we can clearly identify you as being on the premises ROCKING OUT LIKE THE PARTY ANIMAL YOU ARE! SPRING BREAK, WOOOO!
2. The Bank
Wherever you wind up to party hardy, you’ll want to make sure you’ve got plenty of cash to spend, so hit up your local branch like a boss and make sure to bring at least two forms of identification and clearly state your name to the teller. NOW YOU’RE READY TO HIT THE SCENE LIKE A SEX MACHINE!
3. The Gym
Your ex said you ponied up for a membership last year, claiming you’d get “swoll as hell” by summertime, but we haven’t seen you there lately. Time to make that dream a reality and SCULPT THOSE GUNS, HERCULES BADBOY, ESQUIRE!
4. Waffle House
Preferably near any one of the enormous windows on the north-facing side of the building where there isn’t too much glare from the sun and you don’t have to cover up your face with tinted shades. Get your scattered-smothered-and-covered breakfast on and enjoy a nice view of the parking lot WHERE YOU CAN WATCH ALL THE FLY HONEYS LINING UP FOR THEIR MORNING COFFEE SO THEY CAN PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG!
5. The Outdoor Pool at the YMCA
According to our kickass intel, your membership is somehow still in good standing, so grab your trunks and flops and go relax poolside. But don’t forget to scan in with your key fob! You may be denied entry if the front desk personnel is unable to match your face with your picture on record, so let them get a good look at that party-ready mug of yours, you dirty dog, you. BOW WOW WOW YIPPIE YO YIPPIE YAY!
6. A Convenience Store
We saw you on Instagram showing off that newly-modded IROC-Z. Sweet ride! If you have money to pay for that, guess what else you have money for? LOTTERY TICKETS! Hit up any convenience store within a few blocks of your last known employer and splurge for the Mega Millions scratch-offs. The bigger you win, the less you’ll notice that extra allotment Uncle Sam withholds to cover your various legal obligations. MAKE IT RAIN DOWN LOW, ED SHEERAN!
7. The Post Office
We know you don’t have a passport, so now’s a great time to swing your hot-to-trot self by the post office with your TOTALLY LIT credentials and apply for one. Then you’ll be ready for this fantastic voyage to slide slide slippity-slide wherever you want it to go, COOLIO!
8. Batteries Plus Bulbs
The judge just ruled that we’ve done our due diligence in trying to track you down and can now serve you through electronic means, SO MAKE SURE YOUR MOBILE DEVICES ALL HAVE PLENTY OF JUICE, ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPS-ON-THE-RUN!
9. Pop Into TGI Fridays During Happy Hour
They’re usually empty, so we’re sure they’d appreciate the business. Plus BOGO appetizers! EAT LIKE YOU’RE KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN! No need to share, just come on in and grab a prime bar table front and center. The WiFi password is HAPPYFRIDAY! in all caps, with the exclamation point. Fire up that hot-as-fuck Lenovo Thinkpad, check the internet connection to make sure it’s working correctly, then check in on Facebook to let everyone know how much fun you’re having. Something like “Friday vibes, y’all! HAHAHA” will have those stuck-at-work folks jealous ’CAUSE IT’S FRIDAY, YOU AIN’T GOT NO JOB, AND YOU AIN’T GOT SHIT TO DO!
10. The Cracker Barrel
Okay, so your ex just said you’re “more of a Cracker Barrel kinda guy,” whatever that means, so let’s try the Cracker Barrel by the interstate. There’s plenty of parking next to that dead-end rubble heap where the RadioShack used to be, so maybe just glide that sweet, sweet IROC-Z right up front where everyone coming down the exit ramp can admire those hand-painted flames on the hood while you lean against it and answer that incoming call from your ex. We’re on our way to meet you there so we can KICK OUT THE JAMS DURING THE BEST SPRING EVER!
