My blood is boiling. This jerk has definitely gone too far this time! We can’t let this kind of behavior go unpunished. Or can we? Maybe? No… we can’t. This is how societies start to fracture. When everyone starts letting dirtbags get away with everything. Yes, I’ve never been more certain of anything. We have to make an example of this dude. You and me. It’s time to fuck this guy up!
First, though, before we get to crunching skulls, let’s run through our game plan one more time. Specifically, how should we arrange ourselves relative to the degenerate we’re going to mangle? I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I’m thinking I should stand adjacent to your left shoulder, but maybe a little behind you so we’re kind of overlapping. I mean, I guess we could stand side by side, but wouldn’t the overlapping arrangement be a stronger and more resilient alignment, tactically speaking?
Let’s break this down. Say the slimeball charges us. If we’re standing shoulder to shoulder, he could theoretically slither between us, splitting us like a large, cumbersome army. You know how slimy that weirdo is. He could slip between us like a buttered eel. And if that happens, then what? Suddenly, you and I could be the Austrians and Piedmontese and sleazeball is Napoleon! What a mess that would be. United we are impenetrable, but separate, we are vulnerable. I think Sun Tzu or Clausewitz said that. Or maybe it was Jerry Maguire? Whatever. The point is we have to stay together at all costs. And that means eliminating any vulnerabilities that might be exploited by our opponent.
Did I mention I have a bit of an iffy right shoulder? Old battle wound. I mean Battleship wound. Kind of a bursitis thing from playing too much Battleship in my youth. And roughhousing, of course.
Yes, the more I study it, the more I’m convinced that me standing just off your left shoulder and slightly behind is the way to go. That way we can fuck this pervert up to the max! Of course, we could switch positions if you want, but really, the person occupying the flank is kind of the linchpin of the whole operation. Now, I know that might seem counterintuitive because the person occupying the leading edge seems more exposed but let me explain.
Let’s say jerkface charges us and starts throwing punches. The person in front has to fend off the initial thrust, but the person on the flank (me) has to read and react to the situation and plan and execute an appropriate and speedy response. I’m basically the General Sherman and you’re Ulysses S. Grant. If I fail, the whole endeavor is doomed. It’s a lot of pressure, but I’m willing to take on the responsibility because I’m a team player.
Plus, my positioning just beside and behind your left shoulder will free up your stronger right hand for some serious roundhouse haymakers. Or are you left-handed? Wait. I didn’t even consider that. We have to get this perfect, so let me know. If necessary, I can move to the right. Oh man, but then my gimpy right shoulder will be flapping out there in the breeze. I’ll have to rethink things in that case, and that could require a few extra days of planning. Whichever side I end up on, I’ll definitely be behind you though. That part is critical as we’ve already discussed.
In addition to providing a united, rock-solid front, my slightly withdrawn positioning will give us a serious leverage advantage. When that Neanderthal comes flailing at us, I can kind of duck down behind your rear end area. That might sound weird, but it really makes perfect sense. From that ducked down, ball-like position, I can lean my left shoulder into the back of your right leg, which will brace the hell out of it. Man, it’s going to be something when you wind up your huge finishing punch. With my shoulder leaning in there against the plant leg. Think of the leverage!
Are you ready? Because you know I’m ready. I was born ready! Let’s rumble. Remember. We have to get our alignment right, so don’t rush into anything. Give me a chance to set up and then it’s going to be a blood bath.
Wait, where did that creep go? Did he leave? Aww, man! Well, I guess we can reconvene tomorrow. Same time, same place! You and me! With me standing just behind your left shoulder for cohesion and leverage! Then the fucking-up of that lily-livered scoundrel can commence… tomorrow!
