Trudy and Chad are newly engaged and looking for a home for their blended family in the beautiful hills of southern Maine. Trudy has a son, Nathan, from a previous marriage to a recovering alcoholic writer, and Chad is carrying a lot of toxic masculinity.
CHAD: I’m an MBA, a Republican, and a somewhat overzealous Christian, so I have no reason to believe that anything bad will happen to me in Castle Rock.
TRUDY: I’m a first-grade teacher who’s surprisingly unconventional in the sack.
CHAD: Although we have less than $500 in the bank, our budget for the house is somehow $800,000. I gotta say, the low real estate prices here are a real attraction for us.
TRUDY: And the schools are good; the student-to-teacher ratio is shockingly low because of all the kids who go missing.
CHAD: You’re thinking of Derry, babe. I can’t wait to find a rambling old place that has room for all of us, a couple of gigantic and powerful dogs, and a man cave where I can indulge my kinky sexual proclivities in private.
HOUSE #1
REALTOR: The first home I have to show you has a lot of what you might call local history. A town ordinance requires that I disclose any violent crime that occurred in these properties, but the home has been fully renovated and the hardwood floors are completely refinished.
CHAD: Ha ha, gotta get rid of the bloodstains, right babe?
REALTOR: Yes, there was quite a lot of blood. My god. The blood.
TRUDY: I like the hardwood flooring and the granite countertops, but I was really hoping for more of an open concept. Also… what is that smell?
CHAD: Yeah, it seems to be coming from the finished basement – my man cave!
REALTOR: There was a radon issue, and the abatement experts have installed new ventilation, but there is an odor of decay that seems to grow stronger in the presence of… say, are either of you slightly psychic?
TRUDY: So funny you should say that! I’ve always been weirdly good at poker and guessing lottery numbers, but my son Nathan is the real fortune teller in the family. Just the other day, he said to me, “Mom, please don’t let us move to Castle Rock. I have a feeling something really bad is going to happen.” And sure enough, we got a flat tire on the way here!
REALTOR: Let’s move on to another property.
HOUSE #2
CHAD: I don’t know about this place, babe. Not a lot of yard for my grilling station, or a creepy new hobby like raising medicinal leeches.
REALTOR: This home is newer construction; it does have the walk-in closets and ensuite master bath that Trudy was looking for, but a town ordinance requires me to disclose that a violent crime did occur here, with multiple fatalities. Not all of the… pieces were found. Also, there’s a bonus room.
TRUDY: The chalkboard that says “#Blessed” is a nice touch, but why is it crossed out and the word “Damned” written underneath in what appears to be excrement?
CHAD: Not really feeling this paint color either, babe.
REALTOR: [rolls his eyes]
TRUDY: Yeah, there’s no “wow factor.” And there sure are a lot of rats.
HOUSE #3
REALTOR: Here’s a beautiful Craftsman home with, again, all-new flooring. A town ordinance requires that I disclose—
CHAD: Ha ha, just tell us if the killer is still on the property, right babe?
REALTOR: Actually…
HOUSE #4
TRUDY: Wow, look at the size of this great room! Love the open concept.
CHAD: And that’s a fantastic view of Shawshank Prison out the bay window.
TRUDY: I wish the countertops were granite instead of marble…
CHAD: Travertine, babe, it’s just as good.
TRUDY: And Nathan’s room overlooks the old cemetery built on top of Native American ceremonial grounds, which he’s a little touchy about.
CHAD: Hey, does anyone else hear those voices telling them to kill, or is it just me?
Trudy and Chad have a tough choice to make! Will it be #1, the Bloodbath Bungalow, which has space for Chad’s man cave but also a small gateway into a supernatural netherworld? Will it be #2, Dismemberment Manor, which has walk-in closets but small rooms with few escape routes or hiding places? Or will it be #4, the Haunted Homestead with its open concept floor plan and myriad bloodthirsty spirits?
Sixth Months Later
TRUDY: We chose the Bloodbath Bungalow! It’s the perfect size for our family, and I love the clawfoot tub, even though it fills up with maggots every now and then.
NATHAN: We have to leave this place now. Please, I’m begging you.
REALTOR: As the token African-American character, I’m only here in a supporting role and have no real agency.
CHAD: [transformed into a pale, bloated creature like a grotesque salamander, crawling up the basement stairs and carrying an axe in one clawed hand] I… GOT… MY… MAN CAVE!
REALTOR: Oh hell no. I am not ending up like that guy in the hotel in Colorado. [exits]
