Congratulations on joining [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE]! During your first week here, it is expected that you are going to have a lot of questions. As your HR team, we want you to know it is important to not only know your office, but what the climate of an average professional working environment is like in 2018. Take advantage of your new opportunity by reviewing the below information prior to starting at [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE], and you’ll set yourself up for early success.
1. What time do I need to come to work everyday?
- We at [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE] start the business day at 8 a.m., and expect our employees to be prompt and ready to work at that time. Best practice is to arrive 5-10 minutes early to allow for bathroom breaks, coffee, and other personal endeavors.
2. Where do I park?
- Non-contract, full-time employees can park in either the dimly-lit company garage that is located eighteen blocks north, or park in clear-view sight at the meters located right in front of the building. The current rate is $17 an hour for compacts, and $29 an hour for SUVs or trucks.
3. What is the dress policy here?
- The dress policy is business casual, but there is actually a separate dress policy for women who do not want their immediate supervisors or other male employees unsolicitedly exposing their genitalia to them. Interested women should ask their HR representative for the supplemental handout entitled “Colonial Women in the Workplace” for further guidance.
4. What is the company’s PTO (paid time off) policy?
- [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE] has a generous vacation and time-off policy. Each employee earns twelve annual vacation days, on top of our Christian-only holiday policy.
5. Does [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE] offer time off for those dealing with mental health conditions?
- We at [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE] are proud to offer on-site counseling, premium insurance coverage, and additional work-from-home opportunities for those employees dealing with mental health conditions*
- *Conditions do NOT include: anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, personality disorder, major depressive disorder, addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders or whatever that thing is that Dustin Hoffman had in Rain Man.
6. How do I go about solving conflicts in the office?
- If a conflict ever does arise, it is important to talk with all parties involved, and try to find a mutual understanding or solution to the problem. However, if the conflict is regarding the ongoing political debate between your two desk neighbors (the guy you are replacing said sitting between them was nothing short of a “nightmarish hellscape”), then it is best to avoid the situation altogether, not further widen the senseless political divide our nation is currently facing, and report the situation to your designated HR representative.
7. What is the company’s promotion policy?
- [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE] has an aggressive promotion system that rewards those who work hard with fast promotions and raises. Do not be alarmed if your supervisor tries to convince you that sexual intercourse is the only way to progress professionally, as it has been the customary tradition at [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE] since our founding in [INSERT YEAR BEFORE WORLD WAR I HERE].
8. How often will my performance be evaluated?
- Performance evaluations will be conducted at the end of every quarter for junior-level employees. It is important to note that all female employees and their corresponding breasts will be evaluated at the discretion of and on a continually rolling basis by the all-male executive board.
9. What if I am sexually harassed at work?
- We at [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE] do not condone the use of sexual harassment or any other form of discriminatory behavior. Any and all complaints should be directly reported to the victim’s immediate supervisor, where an investigation into the alleged incident(s) will be put in place immediately.*
- *NOTE: Most sexual harassment investigations typically take between one and 5,683 days (fifteen years) to be formerly conducted at [INSERT FORTUNE 500 COMPANY NAME HERE]. You are expected to work during the entirety of the investigation and face the accused harasser every single day until the matter is resolved.
10. Should I bring my lunch on the first day of work?
- Lunch will be provided.
