It’s me, the Halloween Grinch! You know, the person who loves to take pictures of the Halloween displays in my local grocery store in September and then rant about them on Instagram so people understand the strict seasonal holiday timeline I adhere to. The one who mocks other people’s fun in the interest of being perceived as edgy and counter-culture. You’ve definitely seen my work. I write clever things on Instagram like, “Ugh… it’s only September 8, give us a break” and smart things like, “Um, fall doesn’t even technically start until the 21st!!!” Cool, right?
Last week, as I was posting a picture of a spooky decor display to Twitter along with a dry, contrarian caption (“Kill me now”), I realized I was missing an important opportunity. Typically I start my complaining in early September, to align with the first store displays. But why not get ahead of the game? I could kick off with a pre-season bitch fest in August, get some early attention for my antagonistic views before Labor Day, and be in prime kvetching shape by the time the pumpkins hit the stores.
This extended schedule would allow me ample time to let everyone know just how irritated I am by early reminders of a fun holiday that most people seem to enjoy. Every time someone shares their excitement about their “cool costume idea,” I’ll be there to remind them that all mentions of Halloween should be squeezed into the nine-day period I’ve deemed appropriate for the season. I’ll use the extra time to put the final touches on the anti-candy corn position paper that I plan to post all over the Internet. I think it’s important for people to be exposed to my original views on this topic.
As an additional bonus, I can get a head start on my anti-early Christmas advocacy work. It would be amazing to get my first diatribe out there before my regular anti-early Christmas work starts in earnest. This will ensure that no one goes a moment without thinking about how wrong it is to be thinking about Christmas this early. (Hmmm… I wonder if I can get the Rudolph and Frosty target practice printables posted by next weekend. That would be AMAZING!)
I know this seems like a lot of extra effort on my part. But the truth is, it’s worth it to me. Knowing that I might have made just one person think twice about enjoying a holiday before the correct time is enough for me. In this period of national turmoil, I think I can make a difference by spreading a message of hope and unity – I’m hopeful that a sustained campaign of social shaming can unite us around a shared vision of carefully regulated holiday enthusiasm.
Being a professional killjoy isn’t for the faint of heart, but somebody’s gotta do it.
You’re welcome.
