I begin by applying fake tan to my body about a week before the shoot. My favorite tanning lotion is St. Tropez, but after Ivanka showed up at my yoga class last month and doled out samples of her father’s preferred brand (which is “allegedly” tailored to one’s skin tone), I was hooked! I ended up purchasing a five-gallon can, and a set of her stepmother’s fabulously popular Slovenian paint rollers.
Generally, I’d never promote the opposing party, but this stuff rolls on great! It smells like bacon and turns you bright orange. Which is a bitch at first, as you can’t post selfies or leave your residence, but five days later, you’re a bronzed god! For the “sensitive (penis) area,” I use Ivanka’s Kitchen™ silicone basting brush, because not only does it ensure even coverage, it feels damn good!
Once the tan has developed, I take a hot shower, lathering myself with a 50/50 mix of Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint liquid soap and cheap Russian vodka. This creates an invigorating, deliciously painful tingle, and gets me all fired up. It also removes any residual orange from my eyeballs.
After showering, I lubricate my body with heat-activated Man-Up posing oil, focusing especially on the penis. This not only gives me the confidence that comes with having a clean, well-moisturized penis, it helps keep the “momentum” going. It also gives it a nice shine.
For added “bling,” I drape it with Swarovski crystal or rhinestone jewelry (Ivanka’s new line), but not to the point where it’s weighed down with “ice.” (For guys with small penises, I’d seriously skip the bling!)
If you haven’t already, be sure to name your penis. This helps establish a mutually beneficial, friend-with-benefits relationship between you and your penis, and makes for a great selfie. I call mine William, Bill for short.
Lighting is important. For both indoor and outdoor selfies, I use the hour-after-sunrise/hour-before-sunset “golden hour” rule. The warm glow adds beauty to my penis, while the long shadows help pick out subtleties, adding texture and depth.
You know how it is with face selfies, when you get too close to the camera and your nose enlarges because everything becomes foreshortened? Well, use this technique for the penis selfie, particularly if you have a small penis. And miracles will happen!
And if they don’t? Let me share lovely Ivanka’s philosophy: “Who you are as a person matters the most!”
For a speedy, devil-may-care selfie, I just aim my camera phone, click, and post. Voila!
But why stop there?
For advanced selfies, I like to sit naked in Central Park and contort into the Eka Pada Sirsasan yoga pose (commonly known as the foot-behind-the-head pose). This involves extending one leg in front of me, while draping the other over my shoulder. It’s tricky to achieve, but worth the effort, and your viewers will be amazed! To avoid injury, I’d suggest building flexibility before attempting this pose.
Moreover, instead of maintaining the position while looking up, I angle the camera in my left hand and move my head in a downward trajectory, stretching my neck a little and bringing my face closer to my penis, while puckering my lips into “the perfect pout.” Because nothing beats a coy “nose-to-penis” selfie when you’re gorgeously handsome like me!
