- When you wake up in the morning and rub the sleep out of your eyes and the tarantulas’ hairy, prickly little legs get in your eyes and you freak out and remember that, oh yeah, you have tarantulas instead of hands.
- One would think that, being part of the same body and all, a left tarantula hand and right tarantula hand would be the best of friends, but as anyone with tarantula hands will tell you, they are decidedly not. Individual tarantula hands from the same body loathe each other with a furious, violent, territorial vengeance. You must keep your tarantula hands constantly separated and not let them see each other, or else a full-on vicious fight is going to go down.
- So the tarantulas don’t fight at night, you have to put little tarantula-sized hoods on their heads so they don’t catch a glimpse of one another. Those things are really hard to find, and making your own is even more difficult, because it’s hard to operate a sewing machine when you have tarantulas for hands.
- If you put your hand anywhere in or even near your mouth, like to pick a piece of food out of your teeth or scratch your chin, those damn tarantulas will inevitably take that opportunity to dump a bunch of tarantula eggs into your mouth. They taste terrible.
- While they’re attached to your body, the tarantula hands don’t receive nutrients from your bloodstream for some reason. You have to feed them, same as you would an independent tarantula. And those tarantulas eat a lot of crickets, about a pound a day…each. Plus, those crickets are expensive, particularly in the winter.
- You could be a funny, kind, interesting, intelligent person, but all anybody can ever think of you is “that guy with tarantula hands.”
- Dating is out of the question. If you can even get somebody to go on a date with you, things are never going to go “to the next level,” because 100 percent of people do not want tarantulas anywhere near their hands, mouths, necks, thighs, and genitals.
- The testicular pain is excruciating. First of all, the lack of sexual contact with any other human being as a result of having tarantula hands leads to the condition crudely referred to as “blue balls.” Of course, masturbating is out of the question, on account of the tarantulas. You never even tried after you got the tarantula hands, especially since when you go pee and pull your junk out of your pants, the tarantulas you have instead of hands can and will bite your scrotum, causing it to painfully swell to five times its normal size.
- Like every other living thing, tarantulas have a mating season. When it’s tarantula mating season, other tarantulas are naturally drawn to the tarantulas you have instead of hands. One spring morning you wake up, and boom, you’re covered in, like, forty horny tarantulas.
- Every day you curse the wizard for giving you tarantula hands, but then you curse yourself, wondering why you ever asked the wizard to give you tarantula hands in the first place.
