It’s August, so you know what that means: It’s almost Void Day! Granted, we’re never sure when exactly Void Day will arrive, only that it will occur sometime, as the Ancients said, “among the Eighth Month.” But when it’s here, you know it’s here, what with the vast expanse of impenetrable darkness that hangs in the sky for an entire day, thereby driving mortals to madness and doom.
Is Void Day treacherous, evil, and a hopeless display of human frailty against a cruel and uncaring universe which means to crush us, exemplified by a huge black cloud of death-scented oblivion? Absolutely. But one thing it doesn’t have to be is boring. This year, commemorate Void Day with one of these fun ideas:
1. The Sacred Parchment Made of Fire that descends from The Void and hangs in the sky near The Void lists the names of those whose souls The Void wishes to claim. Communities almost always band together to protect those individuals and keep them far from the magnetic and wicked pull of The Void, so there’s no real danger there. That means we should make this fun! Instead of fearing or lamenting being listed on the Sacred Parchment Made of Fire, own it! Proudly walk about town wearing a “I Got Named To The Sacred Parchment Made Of Fire And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” T-shirt. (But don’t walk too close to The Void, because, well, you know.)
2. Void Day is for everyone, and it’s a great time to give back. Volunteer down at the homeless shelter, offering to bathe those less fortunate in the blessed lamb’s blood that is necessary to deter The Hungry Eye of Despair, perhaps The Void’s most fearsome weapon.
3. To drink from The Pit of Darkness, the muddy trough that naturally occurs to collect the mysterious wastewater runoff from The Void, is to understand The Void, and to be haunted, however briefly by the souls of those The Void has taken over the previous millennia. Gross! Wouldn’t you rather have a fun Void Day cocktail instead? Try a Void and Tonic (that’s Pit of Darkness water and tonic), a Dirty Void Martini (Pit of Darkness water, chilled vodka, and olive juice), or Encroaching Darkness (vodka, gin, ouzo, grain alcohol, and a splash of Pit of Darkness Water to make the whole thing turn black).
4. It’s one of the most clunky and old-fashioned traditions of Void Day, but a tradition nonetheless, for communities to gather and in unison chant the ancient Latin verse that banishes The Void, causing it to dissipate until the next coming of Void Day. Who needs some stuffy old Latin verse you can barely even pronounce properly? Instead, you can instead use the English-language, hip-hop-influenced Void banishment chant written by Hamilton mastermind Lin-Manuel Miranda.
5. Tired: Void Day dinners with the extended family (which includes that one uncle who actually likes The Void and proudly wears his “All Hail The Void” mesh cap and asks you if you’re “triggered” by it). Wired: Void Day dinners with friends! If you’re going to gnash your teeth, rip out your own hair, and try to swallow your own tongue as you eat your own torn hair, driven mad by the presence of The Void as all are by Void Night, you might as well do it with people you actually like.
6. It seems like every Void Day, there’s somebody in every family who decides that they can no longer handle the foreboding presence of the Void overhead, and, in a moment of spontaneity and madness, grabs a ladder and tries to climb into The Void in a futile attempt to destroy it. This Void Day, instead of answering “The Call of The Void,” just set up the ladder you’d use to climb to The Void in your backyard and decorate it with streamers almost as black as The Void itself.
7. It’s well known that The Void shall kill five animals per township, unless each settlement willingly sacrifices its strongest beast of burden (or, in modern times, its cutest dog). But good news: The Void isn’t actually all that perceptive. A stuffed dog from a toy store or even an old pile of clothes will satiate The Void quite nicely. It’s a great way to get rid of last year’s Void Day T-shirts, or you and the kids could make your own mock cow out of wood or papier-mâché and decorate it with special messages for The Void, like “Death to Thee, Unholy Cloud of Night” and “Go From This Place, Wicked Presence!”
