Since ascending to the highest position in the Roman Catholic Church in 2013, Pope Francis has proven to be the most progressive and inclusive pontiff in hundreds of years. Among the outspoken Pope’s statements and actions: He called for a war on poverty, embraced science in the form of admitting that climate change is real, and advocated for same-sex marriage. Francis is truly committed to bringing the church into the 21st century, and to that end, the likable pontiff has made his most inclusive action yet, reaching out to the world’s workers by banning Mondays forever.
“Everybody has such a good time over the weekend, chilling out with their friends, getting their groove on,” the Pope said at Sunday’s mass in Vatican City. “Who am I to say, ‘the party is over, get back to work’? This is why there will be no more Mondays!”
Then the pope put on a pair of sunglasses, hit “play” on a boombox, and joined congregants in partying down to Loverboy’s 1981 hit “Working for the Weekend.”
Labor organizations have overwhelmingly given their stamp of approval to the pope’s plan. “Dis pope guy, you know, he didn’t seem like he’s a regular schmo like me, ya know? I don’t ride around in no bubble car or wear a big pointy hat,” said Anthony DiLorenzo, a representative of a Queens-based trade union. “But you know, maybe he is. I hate Mondays, he hates Mondays!”
Scientists say this radical move to a four-day workweek (and six-day week overall) will fundamentally change the way the world measures and understands time itself, harkening back to the 1582 Catholic Church-led adoption of the Gregorian Calendar. Additionally, as Pope Francis said in a statement released the Monday-Tuesday after his announcement, “The elimination of the most bummer of all days will put an end to annoying coworkers passing you in the hall and saying, ‘Ugh, Mondays, am I right?’ as well as the gross feeling you get in your stomach at seven o’clock on Sunday nights that is a mixture of dread for the coming week and melancholy that the weekend has again passed so quickly.”
Polls indicate overwhelming worldwide support for the pope’s plan, officially referred to as “Mondays?! BOO!” But there are some who are opposed to the idea. Chief among them is the American Novelty, Poster and Tchotchke Association, a trade group representing manufacturers of lightly humorous office and cubicle decorations.
“We get it, we love the weekend as much as anybody else,” said Steven Vanderhoof, chairman of the ANPTA. “But can Pope Francis tell me what I’m supposed to do with twenty million unsold and now completely useless mini-posters featuring the beloved cartoon cat Garfield saying, ‘I Hate Mondays’? Is he going to take those off my hands?”
According to Vatican insiders, Pope Francis is so emboldened by the universal embrace of “Mondays?! BOO!” that he’s considering more fun, “totally sweet” dictums. “The pontiff may soon declare that sleeping in on Sundays and skipping church every now and then is no big deal,” said one archbishop who wished to remain anonymous. “And we’re also talking with many national governments about making Taco Tuesday legally mandatory.”
When reached for comment by telephone, Pope Francis could he heard chanting “Shots! Shots! Shots!” over the strains of LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem.”
