DENVER – In response to a widespread Facebook invite to “Rebecca’s 27th Birthday Pool Party Spectacular!!!” the FBI has launched a full-scale investigation into whether anyone is actually planning on bringing their bathing suits to the event.
“As with any summer pool party invite, we must proceed with caution,” lead investigator Angie McAllister told reporters this afternoon. “You don’t want to be that person who shows up in a bathing suit, only to find that people are just hanging out sorta near the pool and not actually going in.”
“Not only do you look super lame, but every time you have to pee it’s a whole situation.”
Although Rebecca’s event page clearly states the dress code is “sun’s out buns out,” and sources present at last year’s party claim Rebecca’s aunt’s house has a “bitchin’ pool,” whether or not guests plan on full-scale swimming – versus maybe just sitting on the side and dangling their toes in the water – remains unknown.
McAllister cautioned that this was a tricky case, with many mitigating factors – like the presence of Rebecca’s hot cousin Jake. “If Rebecca’s hot cousin Jake is there, Rebecca’s work friends Brenda, Emma, and Elise are definitely wearing bikinis,” said McAllister. “You don’t need to be a trained detective to tell those ladies are thirsty.”
Although the entire pool party may hinge on Rebecca’s hot cousin Jake, he has yet to make a definitive RSVP, or to elaborate further on his comment: “driving back from joshua tree that morning, will keep u posted happy bday”
McAllister promised the FBI would be continuously refreshing the event page to stay on top of the developing story.
Meanwhile, the FBI issued a warning for all invitees to stay alert, as swimsuit plans could change swiftly and without warning. For example, if Amanda R. gets her period that morning, she may text Amanda P., who will almost certainly leave her swimsuit behind in solidarity with a fellow Amanda.
“That could start a ripple through Rebecca’s entire college friend group, knocking out five to six would-be swimmers in one fell swoop,” warned the bulletin.
Other elements at play include the weather, the pool temperature, and whether or not Mark follows through on his pledge to bring his floating beer pong set.
Until new information comes to light, the Bureau recommends arriving to Rebecca’s 27th Birthday Pool Party Spectacular!!! in your clothing, but bringing a swimsuit to change into, just in case.
