The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Everyone knows this. What they don’t tell you is how to stop a good guy with a gun. However, the answer is quite simple: you promote him to senior management. He then supervises other good guys with guns, and does none of the field work himself.
Determining if a gun should be considered bad can be tricky, but most people agree on whether or not a gun is good. The experience of being shot by a good gun is a sensation of wetness, at most a slight sting, but this goes away as soon as you jump back into the pool.
What makes a person good or bad? The answer may not be as nuanced as you think. Based on recent evidence, the following definitions can be concluded:
a) A bad guy is a guy everyone thought was good until he wasn’t.
b) A good guy is just a bad guy in waiting, unless he’s not, in which case he was a good guy all along.
The most contentious issue is what makes a gun bad. Unlike a bad guy, a bad gun is always, and has always been, a bad gun. It’s just more or less appropriate depending on the context.
For example, a bad gun is appropriate when its use is on a battlefield. For a place to be deemed a battlefield, it must contain the following: other people with bad guns, lots of sand or wet trees (never both), and alleged moral justification. There should also be money at stake. The more money at stake, the more of a battlefield it is.
A battlefield does not contain the following: shirtsleeves, classrooms, or live music, regardless of genre.
Bad guys with bad guns in inappropriate settings are then the problem, and we know the answer isn’t good guys with good guns. That would be ridiculous.
A good guy with a bad gun isn’t the answer either, because unless the bad gun is on a battlefield, it isn’t appropriate, and a good guy wouldn’t do something inappropriate – until he does, that is, in which case he wasn’t a good guy after all.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the answer is actually making bad guns more accessible. As we know, a good guy wouldn’t try to purchase a bad gun. So anyone who does is obviously bad.
What about the black market, you ask. How can we stop a bad guy from getting a bad gun on the black market?
This is a seemingly tough cookie. But in reality, this cookie isn’t so tough. In reality, it’s soft, gooey, and has a taste like the answer you knew all along.
The only way to stop bad guys from getting bad guns on the black market is to have good guys do it first. Once the good guys have bought all the bad guns on the black market, the bad guys will be forced to purchase their bad guns through the normal channels, and we’ll be able to spot them a mile away.
If you’re starting to notice the pattern here, congratulations. You’re one step closer to political enlightenment on this particular issue.
If you’re still seeing patterns, you should probably visit the doctor, because you might be experiencing scintillating scotoma.
If when you see the doctor, you think to yourself that he or she seems like a good guy, don’t be fooled. They might be a bad guy with a gun. Don’t assume anything until you know for sure.
Until you do, it’s encouraged that you take the necessary steps as a good guy and keep one hand on your concealed weapon. It’s the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun.
