[Present: VP Marketing, SVP Marketing, EVP Marketing]
VP Marketing: As you know, the focus of today’s meeting is to discuss expansion of our product line of White Strips. Research shows that customers today want a dizzying array of options, which could mean more than our six types of teeth whiteners.
SVP Marketing: What began as simply White Strips, a product used to whiten teeth via fourteen daily applications, has grown to include the following: 3D White Strips Classic Vivid, 3D White Luxe Professional Effects White Strips, 3D White Strips Gentle Routine, 3D White Strips 1-Hour Express, 3D White Luxe Glamorous White White Strips, and 3D White Luxe Supreme Flex Fit White Strips.
EVP Marketing: Since I’m new here, can we go over again what the differences are between these products? Overall, would you say the main goal with the product line is simply teeth whitening?
VP: Oh, yes, sir. All these products use the same formula. We’ve conducted hundreds of meetings over the course of these years solely to discuss White Strips names and packaging.
SVP: Regarding the products, 3D White Strips Classic Vivid is simply re-branded original White Strips. We spent about half a million in research to come up with the adjective “Vivid,” which accounts for an extra $250 in annual sales.
EVP: $250 million?
SVP: No, 250 single dollars.
VP: Continuing, obviously the Gentle Routine is for folks who are convinced the strips contain carcinogens or who complain about gum ache after use. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the 1-Hour Express product has met the needs of the consumer who hates the commitment of ongoing treatments and generally believes his time is more important than that of everyone else. He’s willing to trade quality, comfort and health for products that save him time. 3D White Luxe Professional Effects is for the customer who doubts the efficacy of our whitening line and only buys products with the adjective “professional” attached.
EVP: And the remaining products? Also, why is the term “3D” across the entire line?
SVP: We added the term “3D” to all products because consumer research showed widespread concern that the strips were only useful on two-dimensional photographs of teeth, not actual teeth in human’s mouths.
EVP: I see. Good fix. I like everything I see so far.
VP: The remaining products were the brainchildren of the former EVP, the man you were hired to replace. He came up with the product names. And marketing research shows that these products consistently do best with the folks who want bright white everything. White cars, white houses, white-
SVP: Sir, I’ll skip to the chase: these products are for our racist clientele. 3D White Luxe Supreme Flex Fit is for the man who is 100 percent racist but thinks he’s logical and flexible in his views. And 3D White Luxe Glamorous White is for the bigoted woman who spends time reminiscing about the glamor of the 1950s.
EVP: Interesting. So in thinking of new products, what direction are we going? What areas of the market have we not focused on?
VP: Well, we could use a product for the hardcore party-goer. The individual who struggles with layers of tobacco, wine and coffee stains on his/her teeth, and who generally skips the end-of-day brushing, and in fact may vomit just before falling asleep. The leading proposed product right now is a possible brand affiliation with the Muppets: Dr. Teeth’s 4D Groovy White Party White Strips.
EVP: 4D?
SVP: Sir, when the box is opened, a chip like in those eight-dollar Hallmark cards plays, “Can You Picture That!”, a vintage track from a Muppet soundtrack.
EVP: Interesting. I like the vibe. Maybe we could simplify it all, leave out the Muppets, and call it Make Teeth Great Again White Strips.
VP: Um… maybe? Other ideas include a product for senior citizens who don’t realize they have atrocious teeth stains. This one’s called 3D Fountain of Youth Smiles, with packaging that can be customized with photos of the customer in younger, brighter-smiled times. It’s meant to be given as a gift from children and grandchildren. We’re still doing focus groups on the name.
EVP: Hmm. Good concept, but needs some work. How about Simpler Times Pure Unblemished I Don’t See Color White Strips?
[VP and SVP stare with open mouths.]
EVP: You think about it, I have to run to another meeting. Thanks for this, guys. Oh, and another thing, let’s change the package color to white. Just plain white. [Exits]
VP: So… they hired another angry racist in that role?
SVP: Not sure on the angry part because he was talking with White Strips in his mouth. They make it impossible to smile. But racist? Yeah. Always.
