I’m a pretty wholesome guy. I go to work, I walk my dog, I keep track of current events. Recently it’s been harder and harder to ignore all of the allegations leveled against men in positions of power. I thought it could never happen to me, but then my world came crashing down: the Pixar lamp is suing me for workplace sexual harassment.
The first thing that came to mind was, what did I do wrong? When the Pixar lamp started working at my company, I may have made an innocuous comment or two about the lamp’s light switch size, but they couldn’t have been seen as anything other than innocent. After all, I am a self-proclaimed third-wave feminist; I’d never say anything to a woman that I wouldn’t say to my mother or a cashier at Target.
But Luxo Jr. just really threw me off. Suing me? For what? I’ve been nothing but a well-behaved gentleman around that ball-bouncing Ikea reject. So what if I complimented the light on its voluptuous light bulb size once or twice? It’s not often you see something so perfectly round staring you in the face like that. Frankly, with the number of times I’ve said something about Maggie from accounting’s “light bulbs” you’d think she’d of gotten to me first.
Oh no! Has Maggie from accounting felt uncomfortable around me too? Well she’s not suing me so it can’t be that bad… or is it because I’m her boss? Shit! This whole being a privileged man thing is so stressful, I have no idea what I’m allowed to do anymore. Oh crap! In that meeting with corporate last week I complimented that intern on her skirt. Is she going to think I’m a sexual harasser too?
Whoa, whoa whoa. Before this goes too far, I have to deal with the matter at hand. A beloved animated icon is suing me for the same things Casey Affleck was accused of. He got away with it, didn’t he? And he won an Oscar! And really, what I did wasn’t nearly as bad. I remember Matt Damon saying something like sexual harassment is on a spectrum; certain actions shouldn’t be considered as bad as others. I can trust that. Matt Damon seems pretty knowledgeable on these issues – he is a father of four daughters, which says a lot.
Besides, the Pixar lamp is only going to be seen as an object in court, right? There’s no way anyone has a case against me. Yep! I treated Luxo Jr. like an object, which is what it is, so there’s no argument there.
Phew, that’s a relief! Comments that I made toward the lamp like “You make my day brighter” or “I can’t wait to turn you on” or even “Let’s go into the supply closet and I’ll fill your empty socket” can’t be misconstrued in any way, shape or form. This has me rethinking this whole Maggie thing and all of my life choices in general. Maybe I am an infallible human being after all and can do no wrong. Did I mention I’m a third-wave feminist? I don’t think I said that earlier.
Wow, I really just needed to get my thoughts down, it’s making me feel a lot better. It’s so weird, I haven’t treated the Pixar lamp any differently than I have any other person, male or female, in the office, and yet Luxo Jr. feels the need to call me out over it. Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this or something? I feel like I’m being singled out here. I heard Jeanine from human resources complimenting my business partner Tom’s sweater the other day and I don’t hear him bringing up any lawsuits. Seriously? Double standard much?
So am I a “serial sexual harasser” or “unfit to run a safe office environment” or even “a person Harvey Weinstein wouldn’t want his daughters around?” I’d hope not, but this subpoena says otherwise. And really, I think that’s unfair to accuse me of that. I’ve been a proponent of women no matter how ugly or downtrodden they look. If anything, I help prop them up in times of need, whether they want it or not. If the Pixar lamp can’t see that, then maybe it needs to be better illuminated on the issues.
