It’s time to be honest with myself: I am a very big deal in Eastern Europe. There is just no ignoring the huge following I have over there. The Slavic countries freaking love me. I should set up a book tour and meet single ladies interested in me. And then I will get pills. I don’t know what kind of pills, but I’m sure my blog followers will let me know once I visit.
For a long time, as I continued to write into the void, I ignored that huge fan base. I jotted down my little funny stories, posted them up on the good old blog, and sat back to see what the world thought. It’s been pretty obvious that Western media thinks that I’m cute, perhaps even an oddity. I once gave an interview to The New York Times. And then, well, nothing. But in countries that end in an “ia,” they love me. I think I’m bigger than David Hasselhoff. I need to find a wall to dance on top of.
Over there, in places where they hang by fingernails from very tall buildings, I am adored. I suppose reading my funny quips, my words of comedic genius, gives them the same high that they get when wrestling bears. Do they wrestle bears anymore in Latvia? I say they do. And I bet if I wrote that they did, a thousand commenters will agree with me and give me helpful advice.
They’re not bots. No way. Bots have no souls and it’s obvious from the copious amounts of comments that I have to approve on my blog that these people have more soul than a jazz club in New Orleans. For example, Mr. Iturnbide says, “That is a fantastic denote raise up.” That is a direct quote. Mr. Iturnbide obviously reads my stuff all the time, so much so that he can know my thoughts and what they denote. He made that comment on a story I wrote about accidentally calling my wife’s boss a horrible person. Can a bot have that kind of insight? I think not.
He’s not alone. I have to approve a hundred comments like this a day.
“Since I got pregnant, I have adopted various sleeping positions,” Mr. Schaup wrote on a post about hanging up laundry.
“I have checked your page and I’ve found some duplicate content,” said Mrs. Azzo after she finished reading about my kid throwing up on my dinner table. She’s right, too. I checked, and I use the word “she” a whole lot in my posts. Tons of duplicate content. Not only is she a great follower, but she’s a great editor. She is awesome and she lives in a country that eats a lot of borscht.
I should really support them more than I do. What comes around goes around, right? Once I clicked on a link provided in the comments, something about “Get a yacht and a wife by noon today!” I can’t tell you what totally legit moneymaking opportunity that was, though. My computer blew up and my fingers got singed. But friendship goes both ways, and I plan to go back to that site once I clear things with the Homeland Security detail that showed up the next day. I don’t need any of that mucking up the brand ambassadorship goodies coming my way.
One of my fans keeps asking for my address and Social Security number so that he can send me salted herring from the Baltic. He’s very insistent and comments four times a day. I told him it wasn’t necessary, and I prefer a nice cod, but it’s nice to be thought so highly of. The next thing you know I will be cutting the ribbon at the brand-new opening of the Ottoman Empire. I had 857 visits from that way the other day. Totally not bots. At forty-two, I think I’m becoming a teen idol. It’s a bit humbling. But me and my not-bot fans have a very special relationship.
It’s time to take that relationship to the next level. I think learning Russian can’t be that hard. If my fans like me in English, they will love me even more when I write in their native tongue. And wouldn’t you know it, one of my commenters has my back. There is a website that I can go to that will teach me Russian by dinnertime.
All I have to do is click the link right now, and it will teach me everythi-
I IS SHANNON AND DENOTING ALL TO RAISE UP. DUPLICATE CONTENT IS A-OK, USA. FOLLOW LINKS TO GOOD FUN TIME WITH WIVES WAITING TO LIVE IN HUSBAND.
