Name’s Jefff. That’s right, three f’s. One more f than you’re comfortable with.
I know why you’re here. You need someone one-upped. You need someone’s ego bruised.
Last time I bruised an ego, I destroyed it. Irreparably. Had to. Bruising it wasn’t enough. Had to take it one step further. You understand. Of course you do. That’s why you’re here. You might be thinking you have a job I can’t handle. Guess what? If that’s what you’re thinking, I really can’t handle it. On the other hand, if you think I can handle it, I’ll do a whole lot more than that.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It’s very difficult. I’ve done it, I would know. Have to get behind yourself afterwards to make it even. Not ideal.
You want to hear my resume, I’m assuming. A brief summary of my most recent successful endeavors. Guess what? You’re not getting that. I’m going to give you the whole nine yards. And after that, the whole ten yards. I won’t stop. I don’t stop. But if I do, you better believe I’ll come to a stop so complete you’ll be left wondering if I ever started in the first place.
I had this client once. Short guy. Very nice. Didn’t like when I stooped down and made myself shorter than him. Very much liked how nice I ended up being, which he stupidly didn’t realize I was doing just to show him who was boss. He had this so-called friend. Tall. Not very nice. This friend always stole his girl. He would tell the friend he had a crush on a girl and then the friend would swoop in. Steal the girl. I said sure, I understand. You want me to one-up this guy. Easy enough.
For the next three years I stole way more girls from this short guy than his friend ever did. Not once during those next three years did my client ever know the loving touch of a woman.
Mission accomplished.
Another client. Female. Executive at a company. Said one of her male colleagues always spoke over her and often claimed her ideas as his own. Wouldn’t ever learn unless someone did the same to him. Sure, I said. I understand. But I decided to take it a step further.
It only took a few weeks to master his speech pattern and mimic his pathetic body language. If I had to do it again, it would take even less time. (Yes, sometimes I one-up myself, too. Can’t help it. Except when I can, and then I do.) But I didn’t just speak over the man or claim his ideas for my own. No. Too easy. I took over his entire identity. I took over his whole life. Then I resigned from his position at the company.
That man never spoke over my client again. In fact, he hasn’t been seen or heard from since.
A child. About eight-years-old. Said she could hold onto the monkey bars longer than me. I laughed. Here was a kid who could use some humility. We grabbed onto the monkey bars as the sun began to set. As it winked below the horizon, the kid fell. Pathetic. But that wasn’t enough for me. Come back in a year, I told the kid. I’ll still be here, holding onto these monkey bars. We can try this again.
If she returned the following year, I have no idea. I had more important things to do than hang on monkey bars.
Some people say be careful what you wish for. I say be careful what you don’t wish for. I also say just be careful in general, wishes or not. It’s a scary world out there.
Sometimes I’m working to make it safer. But sometimes I’m working to make it scarier. Either way, I’m working much harder than anyone you know. That’s why you come to me. Three-F-Jefff. Because I don’t play around. Except when I do, of course. In which case you’ve never seen such a good time. You think you’ve seen good times, but when I’m playing around, everyone’s in complete and total ecstasy.
I’m Three-F-Jefff. That’s just what I do.
Know what else I do? Listen. Yeah. You thought you were the only one who knows how to listen, didn’t you?
Guess again. I’ve been listening this whole time. I’ll show you. I can listen hard. Incredibly hard.
Why don’t you start telling me about the job? Who the target is, your issue with them. After you finish, we can decide who listened better. You, or me. So let’s hear it.
Who do you need Three-F-Jefff to one-up today?
