You’ve probably heard that virtual reality is all the rage these days, but did you know that before VR, there was another way to experience other worlds without leaving home?
You know what I‘m talking about: astral projection!
Millions of people have astral projected all around the globe (and some to outer space), but it is high time for a resurgence of this under-the-radar staycation. It’s truly the perfect mode of travel. You can go wherever you want, do whatever you want, and save the planet all at the same time.
Forget the inconvenient truth of global warming, political instability, and financial inequality. Astral projection is fast, there are no booking fees, and it’s great for people with agoraphobia.
And for those who are concerned about their carbon footprint, it’s the ultimate in eco-tourism – you leave no footprints at all.
You don’t even have to pack a suitcase!
No more hassling with TSA agents who just like looking at you in your underwear as you pass through the X-ray machine. No waiting around in uncomfortable, sticky airport chairs. No flying with people who snore, drool on your shoulder, or try to blow up the plane with their sneakers.
No more secretly wishing pain on that one family with the crying baby who always sits right behind you.
I know you are saying, “Why haven’t we done this already?” Who knew that the answer to the world’s woes has been under our noses all this time?
Of course, lots of things that have been around for a long time are finally getting their due, including yoga, mindfulness, the joys of decluttering, and jade vagina eggs.
Like nail salons and Starbucks coffee shops, there are yoga studios on every block. There are yoga magazines, yogawear, yoga vacations, yoga retreats, yoga conferences, and yoga jewelry. There’s even a competition for “The Next Great Yoga Teacher,” which, while being antithetical to foundations of yoga, is very popular – how great it that!?
Now astral projection is on the cusp of breaking through as well. It’s very exciting! Here is your chance to get into AP on the ground floor, so to speak. Like yoga, astral projection is also about the mind-body connection, but in AP, people separate their energy body from their physical body, enabling their spirit to go wherever it pleases.
Wouldn’t you love to set your spirit free?
Not only is astral travel super fun, it has the power to improve your life in other ways too. For instance, astral projection has helped improve my relationships – and for those of you with problematic family members, I’m sure it can do the same for you.
My mother always used to complain that I never visited her and my dad enough, so the other day, I astral-projected to see them. We had a lovely time. I made sure to go during the middle of the night when I could stand by their bed and watch them sleep, one of my favorite pastimes because then my mother can’t tell me how much weight I’ve gained since my last visit. It was wonderful! I’m sure my mother knew I was there because she called me the next day to complain about how my father had whacked her in the face when he was dreaming about being a boxer in a prize fight. And I could empathize with her because I saw him do it when my astral body was standing by their bed.
Empathy is so much easier when your astral body does the heavy lifting.
I also taught my mother to astral travel so she can also visit me any time of the day or night, which makes her very, very happy. It’s even better than Skype or FaceTime, which she could not do because her computer contracted a virus that a very nice man at Microsoft kept offering to fix for a mere $500. No pesky technology needed for astral projection!
But isn’t it hard to learn? you ask.
I knew you were going to ask that.
Everybody always asks that.
To which I say, “It’s as easy as falling off a log!”
I mean it. How hard is it to fall off a log? Everyone has done it, at least once.
In astral projection, you just pretend your body is a log and when you can fall off of it – ta-da, you’re on your way! The tricky part is learning to do it when you want to, instead of getting all dizzy and then automatically hoping you won’t fall off the log, because that’s what we all do when we feel dizzy.
Of course, the falling-off-a-log technique is just one of many. There’s the “ball of light” method, where you attach yourself to a ball of light and let it lift you out of your body. It’s very similar to the “kite flying” method where you follow a kite into the sky and leave your body behind.
There is also the “rocking” method, where you rock your astral body back and forth until you feel ready to go on your trip, whereupon you roll out of your physical body into the astral plane. (People who have children love this method, because it’s like rocking your child to sleep, but then you end up floating out of the house.)
Talk about a mom’s night out!
Then there is the “cosmic wind” method, which helps you blow your astral body out of your physical body as if you were a leaf on an autumn day. (Very nice for those of you who love fall leaf-peeping.) Another personal favorite technique of mine is the “golden rope method,” where you tie a rope made of light around your waist and let it hoist you out of your physical body. It sounds like it might hurt, but believe me, it doesn’t, because a rope made of light feels warm and tingly!
Once you find the technique for you, you will discover that your astral body can go anywhere and do anything.
Top of the Eiffel Tower? Check.
Pyramids in Egypt? Check.
Aunt Susie’s condo in Florida? Check. (Aunt Susie didn’t even know my cousins and I had been there because another great thing about astral travel is that you can trash a place and not leave any trash.)
So what are you waiting for? Forget those clunky VR headsets and other gewgaws. No stupid-looking Oculus Rift needed. Get your butt on the sofa and start astral traveling!
For only five easy payments of $19.95, you will get everything you need to start your astral travel adventure. And if you order now, we’ll include our free bonus guide on soul retrieval and chakra cleansing!
You won’t want to miss out on these extras to become One With the Universe. Be like thousands of satisfied customers – you won’t be sorry. Once your friends and loved ones learn these easy-as-pie-in-the-sky methods, they’ll be able to meet you anywhere in the world! Astral projection makes family reunions a breeze.
You have my personal invitation: After you’ve learned how to astral project by falling off your body like a log, or attaching yourself to a glowing ball of light, or one of the other super-simple techniques, I’ll meet you at the location of your choice and we can party.
I hear the rings of Saturn are very nice this time of year. How many of your friends can say they’ve been to the rings of Saturn?
Not many, I bet!
And as an added bonus I’m giving you a free insider pro tip right here: Nothing ruins entering the astral plane like a humungous sneeze. So don’t sneeze. Even if your nose itches really bad (trust me on this).
This offer is absolutely guaranteed. So what are you waiting for?
Operators are standing by for your call.
Get your astral projection adventure started RIGHT NOW!
You and your astral body will be so glad that you did.
