An Email From Your Mom, Who Finally Watched 'Lady Bird' and Has Some Questions

Hi honey!

After the Oscars I finally watched that movie you said you liked, Lady Bird. The one you said, “spoke to our relationship as mother and daughter” or something? Your father didn’t want to watch it, but I told him what you said so he said fine. He fell asleep halfway through anyway, so who cares what he thinks?

But I have some questions about why it reminded you of me. I am nothing like that mother. She’s so overbearing and annoying and is trying to ruin her daughter’s life! I would never do that. I’m not a drag! I mean I know you wanted to apply to Stanford when you were in high school, and I wouldn’t let you because it was too far away, but that was completely different. It was 2010, we didn’t even have FaceTime! You understand now, I know. And you had such a good time in college! You would’ve had a bad time at Stanford, and you wouldn’t have met any of your wonderful friends. And probably you wouldn’t have even gotten into Stanford, and did you really want me to waste the money sending in the application? Of course not.

And that scene in the thrift store? No way!!! I never would have let you try on that little blue dress, Lady Bird looked terrible in that. I know I’m not supposed to say this sort of thing anymore, but she looked a little slutty. And I wouldn’t have let you dye your hair that color, and if I did, I would’ve made you dye it back after you picked a prom dress the same color. It was tacky! And her skirts were always too short. Why did that mom never put her foot down over Lady Bird’s terrible outfits?

Also, I would never call you some stupid nickname you made up like Lady Bird. I don’t even like it when your brother Nicholas introduces himself as Nick! Christine isn’t the greatest name but it’s much better than Lady Bird. Where did she get that name anyway? Was that a Lady Bird Johnson thing? She never explained. I didn’t get it.

I did think the director lady looked nice at the Oscars, though you know how much I usually hate yellow. I’m sure you want to buy a yellow dress now, but yellow makes your skin look green. Maybe you could get away with it if you wore enough blush, but you never do. Now Meryl Streep looked good in red at the Oscars. You could get a red dress instead. I’ll send you some links.

I liked the scenes when Lady Bird was in that strange play. You used to do musicals and I never got what exactly anyone was going for. So I guess the movie did remind me of you a little bit.

But you’ve never gotten so drunk you threw up, right?

I know you’re busy but you should try calling your mom a little more!!

Love,

Your Mom