Claire, get off your phone. Claire, get off your phone. Claire, get off your phone. Thanks. Anyway, we have to figure out what to do with all this shelf space. Some people from corporate are coming in later today to take away all the assault rifles, which Claire didn’t help me box up last night, and also Claire get off your phone. Put it in your bag. Put it in your bag, Claire. We’re having a meeting. Thank you.
Guns are sexy. Powerful guns, even sexier. Which is why we’ve been selling them here at Abercrombie & Fitch for so long.
Until now.
I know a lot of you are upset about corporate’s decision. The guns sold super well and some of you made serious commission. Personally, I saw this coming as soon as Burlington Coat Factory stopped selling their patented grenade launchers. But I still understand how you’re feeling. That’s why I wanted to brainstorm with you all today. Because whatever we decide to put on the shelves where the assault rifles used to be should be just as lucrative, and just as sexy.
Let’s start by putting Claire’s phone on the shelves. No, you can’t have it back until after the meeting is over. I’m going to put it on the top shelf where the HK433’s used to be so you can’t reach it.
What we need to think about is our brand. What is Abercromie & Fitch? Is it teenage sex? Is it hyper-sexualized white privilege? Is it sex with guns? It’s obviously something to do with sex. Just look at all these black and white photos of attractive young people. It’s really going to be sad to watch some of them go. Like that one, with the hot blonde dude at the beach holding his artificially worn-down-looking M4 carbine. I always loved that photo. There’s just so much sex in it, you know? And guns.
Maybe we could stock the shelves with something like ripped-up army fatigues – something that says, “I didn’t actually go to war, per se, but I did get roughed up in basic, and I’m ready to have sex. With a gun.”
Or, hey, maybe whatever we pick doesn’t have to be related to guns at all. But it should have powerful sexual undertones. And those undertones should make you think about guns somehow.
Claire, get down from that ladder. You can’t have your phone back yet. We need to come to a consensus on this.
The problem is, we’re not the first retailer to stop selling incredibly destructive, incredibly sexy guns. Dick’s did it. L.L. Bean did it. GapKids did it. What we need to do is stand out, and despite what corporate says, acid wash jeans just aren’t going to do it. Heinous acts of murder are not easily committed with denim no matter how much thigh it shows off.
I know the Spencer’s on the other side of the mall is already doing this, but maybe we start selling combat drones. We could give it the classic Abercrombie & Fitch spin and make it an homage to the early 2000’s or something. Preppy combat drones. With varsity jackets. And a big moose somewhere.
I’m open to ideas. We have to fill this empty shelf space and I refuse to fill it with more pre-wrinkled button-up shirts. So start thinking. In the meantime, Claire, give me your phone. Why don’t we all see what is so important and interesting to you right now.
Is this an application? Are you applying to Hollister right now? Is this because of their decision to fill the void and start selling unnecessarily dangerous, extraordinarily sexy firearms? Claire – I can’t believe this.
Do you know if they’re hiring managers?
