Hey there lady! Long time no talk!
So recently I wanted to make a change, and I thought, “What if I used and peddled a product on social media that markets itself as being revolutionary for women’s bodies but actually isn’t FDA approved or necessarily safe and piggybacks off negative body image issues that so many women face?”
So here we are! I feel like a new woman and totally have, like, a new outlook on life. Anywho, this company is vague and while I don’t know what exactly the products include, they have powder, gummies, tea, capsules and snortable dust.
It’s a new year, a new you, and a new way to get in all those healthy vitamins without actually consuming the things that naturally contain them. Who wants to actually eat their vegetables, am I right?
This health and wellness company makes products for women, by women (in quaint factories in a third-world country, which adds a very artisanal vibe) with the goal of helping every woman achieve her unattainable, Barbie-level unrealistic body. We deliver results and help you lead the happier lifestyle you’ve always wanted without putting in any work at all. Like, even the bare minimum.
Here are some of the amaze-balls benefits:
- Burns fat and calories – flat tummies FTW!!
- Cleanses your conscience and common sense
- Lose water weight (even the water your body is supposed to have!)
- Boost metabolism and amplify resting metabolic rate
- Reduce stretch marks (ugh!)
- Make your skin glowing and perfect
- Suppress appetite
- Reduce stress so “adulting” doesn’t get you down too much
- Cleanse your colon
- Increase energy levels
- Prevent bloating
- Strengthen hair, nails and vaginal tissue (gotta keep it tight, am I right?)
And here’s the best part! If you join my team now, you will get a 60% discount code on your first purchase, purchase credit for future transactions, and a shitload of free products every few months because no one is actually buying this garbage. I can’t for the life of me figure that out – this company has changed my life and really brightened my aura, ya know? Who wouldn’t want that?
I may even be able to get you an influencer code if your prove your worth! You can make up to $500 per Instagram post if it gets 1,000 likes. If not, you get a smiley face sticker. But who doesn’t love those??
We accept Bitcoin, Neocoins, PayPal, Venmo and bartering. Let me know if you want to get in on this crazy fun new adventure with me!
