I have to say, I expected better of my neighbors. At a time when our community has been rocked by violence, when we should be taking a somber moment to pray and process our trauma, you bring the whole town to the edge of my property to harass me with your politically motivated attacks. For shame.
Let me say that no one is sorrier than I am that Devin Zykowsky lost his foot. No child should have to go through that. The image of that poor little boy screaming in pain, a ragged stump where his foot should be, blood pooling on my lawn, is something I’ll see when I close my eyes for the rest of my life. But forcing me to get all the bear traps off my lawn is not the answer. Why should I, a law-abiding bear trap owner, be forced to surrender my right to a prudent home defense, because of some senseless tragedy that was no fault of mine?
I understand that we’re all scared, we’re stressed, we’re emotional, and I further understand how some people might be tempted, under the circumstances, to take rash actions that seem like the definitive solution. But none of you seem to have read the town charter lately. In clear English, it affirms my right to take any and all measures I, the homeowner, deem necessary to protect my home and my belongings from the predations of bears. Do our fundamental rights mean nothing anymore?
Several disingenuous anti-trappers have tried to ply me with the argument that the town charter was written during frontier times, and no bear has been seen in our state for decades. You fools. Do you really think that that statute was written with only bears in mind? Take it from me – a self-taught legal scholar whose acumen is known and esteemed on several prominent online forums – that law’s language is much broader than it may appear to the layperson. It clearly states “for the purpose of defense against bears or other large animals.” Are you so obtuse as to argue that, when they wrote that law, they meant to exempt the smartest and cruelest of nature’s large animals – man?
That’s right. By law, I may protect and defend my property, against people, with bear traps. And I’m not in any way obligated to justify my home security practices to you people, but if you must know, I have an extensive and valuable toy collection, including five Batman Batcave playsets, all in their original 1989 packaging. Any number of unscrupulous collectors would love to get their greedy hands on these items. Am I to just roll over and let thieves have my retirement fund? Is that the kind of country this is now?
Personally, I think enforcing the laws currently on the books would do much more to prevent tragedies of this kind than stripping citizens of their God-given rights. For instance, is trespassing not already illegal in our municipality? Was Devin Zykowsky not in violation of the law when he crossed my property line and occupied my yard without my express consent? I’m told he was looking for a drone he had been flying over my lawn, in which case I could cite any number of airspace regulations he broke.
Why should I and my bear traps be demonized because of someone else’s crimes? They’re just tools; nothing more. They don’t randomly decide to trap people; law-abiding citizens who respect my property rights have nothing to fear from them. My traps didn’t do anything but what they were supposed to do: stop potential burglars from reaching my house. In fact, if anything, more bear traps could have prevented this disaster. Had the Zykowskys’ property line been lined with bear traps, as mine is, little Devin would never have felt emboldened to wander surreptitiously into my yard. I’m sorry, that’s the truth.
(It bears mentioning at this point that, even if Devin’s foot had been promptly recovered, there’s no guarantee a reattachment would have worked, and frankly, it’s unfair to ask me to compromise my home’s security by giving away the map of my bear trap emplacements to anyone who asks.)
The speed and organization of this sudden movement against my bear traps makes me suspect outside involvement. Several Reddit colleages of mine have suggested that extremist anti-trap cabals are sending operatives and funneling dark money into this town, and as yet I have no reason to disbelieve it.
You’re standing on my sidewalk as if this is just a spontaneous demonstration, and yet you’re spouting the same erroneous talking points and out-of-context statistics I’ve heard from radical anti-trap ideologues for years. Cherry-picked figures like “there have been seventeen bear trap injuries on your lawn in twelve years,” which willfully ignores all the occasions of my bear traps successfully defending my home from invasion. Over twelve thousand people live in this town, and none but me have ever set foot in my house, so when you think about it, that’s twelve thousand cases of successful home defense versus seventeen injuries. Statistically, that’s safer than a car. You don’t want to ban cars, do you?
As disgusting as it is that you’re hijacking a terrible accident for political gain, what I really can’t abide is children being used as props in this smear campaign. Devin’s brother Timothy was just up here, looking calm and polished as he rattled off boilerplate anti-trap drivel. “My brother would still have a foot if you weren’t such a paranoid psychopath.” Wow, I totally believe that a nine-year-old chose such big words.
Timmy, tell whichever ideologue obviously coached you that they won’t have much luck with radical, emotive rhetoric that demonizes people they disagree with. And I feel for you, Timmy, for what you’re going through, and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you’re a child. You simply lack the judgment and life experience to add anything of value to this discussion. How old were you when Batman came out, anyway? Negative twenty? Your perspective lacks any concept of the monetary and sentimental value that these toys have. My interests need to be taken into consideration.
Look, I’m a reasonable man. I’m all in favor of some form of bear trap regulation in the interest of public safety. Compromise is the essence of democracy. Background checks? Sure, bring ’em on. Perhaps a law adjusting the tension in bear-trap springs so that they pierce limbs without severing them? I’m all for that. Let’s open up a real dialogue here. When you let extremist and fear-mongering voices dominate the debate, you make it impossible for effective change to happen.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go inside and order two dozen more bear traps – while I still can.
