Millions of people around the world enjoy marveling at athletes at the top of their game, giving peak performances in a variety of sports in the Winter Olympics. But most of us can never even dream of winning gold medals in events like ice skating, snowboarding, and curling (okay, maybe curling). What if there were Olympic events for the rest of us? Ordinary folks might then be able to take home the gold, silver, or bronze in things like avoiding taking out the trash or keeping one’s mouth shut in a variety of situations.
So get ready to cheer on your favorite non-athletes in these winter events for the rest of us:
Phone Battery Preservation
This week, Belgium claimed the gold in phone battery preservation, the signature event of the Winter Olympics. Jeanne-Claude Sanscharger kept his smartphone’s battery alive the longest – pulling ahead of other favorites to win the event from the smartphone-addicted United States and Great Britain while on a commuter train, walking down the street, surreptitiously at work, and on the toilet. Smartphone batteries were draining as quickly as 40 to 45 percent an hour, but Sanscharger won the event without even relying on “low battery power” mode.
Sleeping Through the Alarm
One of the bumpiest events in the Winter Games, sleeping through the alarm thrilled audiences. Peter Van Winkle of the Netherlands came away with the gold medal in a fierce race to see who could hit the snooze button the fastest and the most times in a row. Spectators doubted his ability to sleep through an alarm for a full hour while repeatedly pressing snooze, but Van Winkle did it thanks to his lightning-fast reflexes as well as the ability to really tune things out. “Denial also played a key role in my win,” said a breathless Van Winkle just after he completed his run in the event.
Wearing Sweatpants
After some uneven performances in last year’s event, the United States came out on top this year in wearing sweatpants. The American team of Jane Letharge and Johnny Idle took to the sofa on Saturday afternoon to see how quickly they could don their sweatpants and how long they could keep them on. As usual, they had incredible chemistry on the couch (a very comfortable sectional). Although Idle suffered a brief setback when he spilled nacho cheese on his sweatpants, in the end the duo wound up with a score of 123.24, just enough to win them the gold.
Avoiding Taking Out the Trash
Newcomer Justin Refeaux, an 18-year-old Canadian, scored 83.2 on his final run on avoiding taking out the trash. Refeaux was a surprise winner as he came up with astounding ways to avoid taking out the trash, including pretending not to notice the full trash can, squishing the trash down (with both hands!) while adding more refuse to the bin, avoiding the area where the trash is, ignoring the smell of garbage, and saying, “Wow, the trash can is really full” while looking directly at another person.
Figuring Out What’s for Dinner
The Norwegian figuring out what’s for dinner team trailed Finland after one period during the event, but then came back to win 3-1. In a preliminary round game, Japan planned all their meals a week in advance, only to realize they were missing three key ingredients for their dinner at 6 p.m. on a Tuesday. The Greek team resorted to eating takeout five nights a week, and Germany just gave up and ate leftovers for the third night in a row. The French team managed to make a last-minute meal out of some bread, cheese, and wine, and thus were disqualified from the event.
Not Saying Something
Luxembourg took home the gold this year in men’s not saying something. Jacques Silence had the best single run in the entire competition, keeping his mouth shut even when his spouse drove badly, his friend dated someone terrible, his boss had an idea that would never work, and his uncle tried to talk about politics with him.
Wrapping a Gift
After two runs in this slopestyle event, Australian Martha Swathe was at the bottom of the pack in last place. But she managed to pull ahead on her third and final trip through the obstacle-laden wrapping a gift course. Wrapping a gift is not just about speed – it’s also about skill. Swathe was able to choose just the right wrapping paper for the occasion (no Christmas paper for a birthday gift), curl ribbons, use the correct amount of tape, and not rip the wrapping paper. She was clean in all her jumps and landings, scoring a 67.13 and winning the judges over with her ability to also find a coordinating card.
