Whether you’ve been laid off after twenty years in advertising sales or finally want to be the “cool dad” just once, a mid-career transition to YouTube vlogging can help vault you to mega-fame among the coveted 9 -15 demographic. At your advancing age, though, it’ll be an uphill battle.
Here are some tips to get you started:
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- Create a pseudonym using two first names – i.e., Zach Bryce, Colt Griffin, Griff Colton or Brogan Pec.
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- Style your hair in a surf-swept crescendo of blond tips. If you no longer have hair simply cut the face out of a Guy Fieri Halloween mask.
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- Yell. Yell all the time. Be loud. Buy an airhorn. Sneak up on your wife while she’s showering and give her a good blast. Then hit her with the leaf blower when she opens the curtain to yell at you.
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- Cover your body with loose-fitting camo prints and hoodies. You are not a 20-year old and thus your body now resembles a sprouted potato. Nobody wants to see that. Also, consider calf implants. Your torso will fool no one but your calves should at least look like boneless chicken breasts shot-up with antibiotics.
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- Assemble a crew. Round up some divorced dads with time on their hands. What about that dude at the gym who’s always lifting while wearing a knit cap for some reason?
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- Start a beef with your next door neighbor, break up his marriage, and then write a diss track about it.
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- Go to Target and get enough Nerf guns and ammunition to arm a mid-sized junta. Sneak up on your crew. Shoot them in the nuts and then collapse in a paroxysm of laughter on any of the gigantic bean bags you’ve replaced your living room furniture with.
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- Buy a Ferrari – the yellower the better. Reverse mortgage your house if you need to. If your wife argues. ignore her. You’re Brogan Pec now, and Brogan Pec is a MAVERICK, DUDE!
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- Scream “YO HIT THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON” at anything that moves.
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- Consider long-term disability insurance. You will be skateboarding off your roof into a swimming pool you have filled with Monster Khaos Energy Juice. You will be pushed into a bumper car pit while crouched inside a shopping cart. You will nut punch the other bros in your crew and will be nut-punched in return. But you are now 45 years old and already have two fused vertebrae and should plan for any associated risks.
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- When launching your Brogan Pec merch line, consider pulling your kids out of school to handle fulfillment out of your garage. Cutting your distribution costs can help pay off that Ferrari or subsidize any stunt-related hospital stays you may incur.
